Polyamory and drama seem to go together like a horse and carriage. As a result, you might think that polyamory doesn’t work when, in truth, relationships with narcissists don’t work – for anybody but a fellow narcissist. So, unless you are one, keep reading.
“Let the women sort it out among themselves” is a popular way to handle drama in polygynous relationships. It’s a way that takes time and makes life miserable for your women for a long time. In addition the person who will leave the soonest is the least prone to drama and probably the one you really want to keep. Also, you could sort it out in a day. Most emotionally healthy people don’t like to fight for their position in a relationship. They’ll leave, and hope that one day you’ll notice your mistake on your own.
This is the thing: Not all of your women are necessarily equally mature in their mindset. Their age has nothing to do with that, either. While some try to act nice and get along and focus on the positives of living together, others may rather focus on hierarchy and dominance and fighting over the man’s favor. And they may be very sneaky about it, too. In fact, the most sexual of your women may turn quite cold and be put off by the whole idea of living in this arrangement if you don’t know how to sort out conflicts between the women.
If you leave it to the women to sort, you are playing directly to the goal of the bully… Just saying.
Who, in fact, is the problem?
The first woman who “loses it” is not the one who is the problem. She “loses it” over something very subtle and clever: the push for her throne… Even when you or she didn’t know why the push against her was necessary. She welcomes a new metamour, for instance, but she isn’t happy being “the second” and wants “the first” seat, even though an equal seat was offered – or even superior that she needed to test.
Examples of the kind of things a narcissist might do to create drama.
- Rearranging another woman’s kitchen cabinets without being asked to when there is no real reason to. “To help.” Signaling, “You’re incompetent; I can do it better.”
- Pointing out “flaws” in another woman’s housekeeping and asking you for permission to do it better. Same message.
- Letting your other partner know she’s cheating on you, but denying everything if she tells, claiming your other is making stuff up. She forces your other partner to either lie or be considered a liar.
- Gaslighting: Stealing cheap, inconsequential items and then acting stupified when they’re brought up: “Now why would I take your lip gloss?!”
- Pointing out “flaws” in one’s own appearance with the true intent to point out “you are inferior” to the other woman: “I cannot wear this dress; it is so tight across the chest for me, I think it’d fit you better.” This is, of course, to say, “My breasts are bigger than yours.”
- Evaluating the other women, even seemingly positively: “You are so good at cleaning. Well done.” This means: “You are my servant; I evaluate your performance; I am your superior.” or “You have such beautiful hair,” Meaning again, “I am your superior, you must feel insecure next to me, I’ll throw you a bone.” Even if she wasn’t insecure, this kind of “praising” is designed to GIVE YOU insecurities: “Why does she feel the need to boost my ego for?”
Now, even as an expert in narcissism, I’ve been played like this. The good thing is that I saw the signs pretty soon. (After insisting to myself she’s not doing that deliberately… Until it was obvious she was.) If you or another person in that relationship doesn’t see it for what it is, there’s very little anyone can do to stop things.
She’ll act like a friend at first.
A manipulator will make their way into a relationship under the guise of polyamory for instance. At first, she’s perfect. Then, she’ll try to be the only perfect woman in the relationship. She’ll drive other women on the walls so she can claim to be the only mature one.
These messages can get very subtle. For instance, a woman I lived with (non-polyamorously but in a very comparable situation) who wanted to be Queen on the Queen’s seat quite literally parked her ass on my seat to push me off the table. I allowed it, given there were only two seats, and she was there first. But the real message was this: She always left the chair on the lowest possible setting to signal: “I sat in your seat; your seat is mine.” After a little pushback – not about the seat, the seat was never mentioned – she stopped doing it and left it in its original position out of fear… Until she regained her confidence and started pushing my buttons again. If I had ever brought up the seat, I would have come across as petty and territorial.
You wouldn’t have a CLUE that kind of thing is happening, which is why it’s so effective. You’ll never see it, the only way you’ll see it if the victim points it out or pushes back, and then, she’ll appear petty and unreasonable, playing directly toward the rival’s goal.
A narcissist never reacts to their true inferior, mind you.
A narcissist will never react to a woman they feel they can control. This, in plain terms, means less attractive women. Sometimes, if a smart woman is getting a lot of respect without being pretty, the narcissistic woman may even feel rage about the unfairness of it. They typically accept the hierarchical worth of a beautiful woman.
A narcissist also doesn’t understand the concept of equality; therefore, they have to make a play for the top dog position if they are being welcomed as an equal into a soup. They truly believe in hierarchy and feel terror at the thought of being both the top and the bottom, ironically. Narcissists fear relationships but cannot help but try to figure them out the hard way.
They are also signaling something else: “I don’t know what the expectations are, I don’t know the rules, and I don’t know who the boss is.” Deep down, this is nothing more sinister than a fear of abandonment. When pushed, they may try hanging in there for a while, but who knows what will happen if you don’t intervene?
A narcissist is a dog in a human form.
I am not saying that narcissists cannot be happy in a relationship. I’m saying they need special guidance. They need relationship coaching, specifically from the people they are in a relationship with. They do not understand “generic” relationship rules, so they reset the rules every time and ask for new rules in a new relationship—that’s probably a good thing. Still, you’ll have to give them the rules and then make sure they’re followed.
Chances are that you are a good dog trainer. To understand a narcissistic woman in your soup, think like a dog trainer. Use clear, short messages. Don’t explain, command. Praise for good behavior, IGNORE bad behavior, and don’t punish it. When she doesn’t do as you like her to, ignore her. Give attention for good behavior, especially women who already behave well. Punishments are also attention, and narcissists love attention. That will only make matters worse.
Do not treat a non-narcissistic woman this way, as she’ll leave you for it.
It doesn’t matter, to a narcissist, what your relationship rules were.
Mind you, a narcissist doesn’t give two hoots about your earlier commitments, relationship rules, or what kind of a love fest you wanted your relationship to be. It’s not about you to them. It’s about testing one’s own influence and ability to cause emotional reactions in others. They don’t care whether good or bad – but they prefer the negative, emotional hurt, the upset. And they want to be in control of you, alone, as your other wives would make life entirely too pleasant for you.
Once she’s rid of the rivals, wife or otherwise, she’ll start on you, and you’ll fear you’ll lose this one, too. And she will be quick to remind you that you’re just not good enough for women – or whatever she decides to make you believe.
In a situation like this, I lasted a total of 3 weeks before blowing up, being an expert in narcissism. Imagine what your legally wedded wife has to endure before you see the light.
You have to decide what it is that you want.
<p>Now, as the leader of a pack of women – supposedly – you need to decide what you want and how you want things to look and play out. You decide on the rules. Now, you’ll have to communicate them to your women.
Also, you’ll need to protect your relationship from narcissistic influences unless you’re narcissistic yourself. The only person who can have a genuinely happy relationship with a narcissist is another narcissist. If you’re not one, keep your distance and learn to read the signs as soon as they’re there. Take your existing partner’s word for what the other woman is doing behind your back too, if you love and trust your first partner.
Knowing narcissism is your best chance of thriving in relationships.