I somewhat recently found the Attachment Theory. It’s really, really good – and incomplete. However, it is perhaps, in addition to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder description been the biggest eye-opener for me, but… I also realize that the Avoidants will project their problems on you, and they will get all excited when you act disinterested… because you are, but they think “ooh, he/she loves me.”
What I wanted to describe to you, tho, how someone with a Secure Attachment Style, like me, can get really cautious about OTHER people’s issues. And as I just met someone on Second Life that just feels right, you know… I have all the questions in the world for him, but none of them are about qualifying him if you know what I mean. Normally, you feel like well, I’d have to know what he looks like in real life because I like my men handsome. But you know, truly, it’s not about the way he looks, is it? If a person thinks right, they’ll also look right.
The Minefield.
No man is an island, and no woman is, either. We’ve all dealt with shit in the past. You’re aware of how you can come off when you talk to someone, and know that you can trigger a number of things you don’t want to trigger by saying something he’s learned to associate as some sign of a fucking mental case. (I hear voices (clairaudient), as some of you know, so I’m not one to speak.) However, you start thinking “OMG, if I phrase it that way, he’ll think I’m about to move over and camp outside his house with a pair of binoculars.” If I say nothing, I’ll come of aloof and disinterested. If I focus solely on the sex to keep it safe, it’ll be a cop-out and avoidance, for real. Then I notice myself making jokes when vulnerability is required.
And I’m supposedly the master of relationships. XD I’ve literally written 60 (or more) self-help books worth of material on the topic! (I haven’t done a word count in years but last I checked it was about 30, and I’ve at least doubled, if not tripled it by now…)
The Timing.
I’ve been feeling it in my bones that My Guys are about to surface. That it’s time for fun and games, FINALLY, after some rubbish time. 
I’ve had an awesome time in the rubbish, sure, but it’s kinda just like that, digging through people’s trash hoping and succeeding to find gold and treasures in there. But it is still digging through rubbish.
So I met the druggie on the street in real… He hasn’t called, surprise, surprise, but if he’d quit drugs by now I wouldn’t be surprised. Whether he has or hasn’t that’s irrelevant, I know he’s one of My Guys. Similarly, without a rhyme or reason, I feel stupid happy about this SL guy, Lance. And, then comes the avoidant attachment -sounding statement: “It’s early days, and you know…” There’s a need to minimize things because you don’t want to freak people out and make them think you’re a crazy attachment obsessive clingy needy: “OMG HE LOOKED AT ME SO HE’S GOING TO MARRY ME!” -type. And yet, you know he’s going to marry you. Not because he looked at you, but because he’s gonna. “At least on Second Life,” says the I’m-not-a-crazo -ego of yours.
Sure, logically I’m going to have to agree that sure, I may be wrong. It is early days. It’s entirely possible to be wrong. But in truth, your gut says “he’s gonna fucking marry me, and the right way. In the polyandrous sense. He’s going to be one of my husbands.” And that is not minimizing it, although it may calm the nerves of some men, who were never meant to be the only man in a marriage. To whom, the bigger still rush is to gain the love and respect of other awesome men. Whose natural need is not really to gain the approval and acceptance of a woman, but that of a man. Even if my approval would come as a close second to that rush. ;p
I’m going to relationship zone the fuck out of you.
So you all understand I’m a slut, yes? I love a stranger and lose interest after the first fuck… Normally. Kinda yawn when he calls. And every time I’ve gotten a proper feeling about a guy, I’m like eeeeevery other woman out there: “Oh no, I’m going to make you wait.” Not because I’m a good girl. Not because you have to “respect me.” Not because my momma told me that’s how you bag a bloke. I’m going to make you wait because you’re special. Because fucking you means something. (Unless you’re already in before I knew your name… Which is also fine.)
To be fair. I didn’t intend to make this guy wait when I was… 18, 19? Oh how I wanted to rip his clothes off. Dude looked like Axl Rose to the extent that when he went to a rock festival headlined by Guns N’ Roses he’d never heard of at that state, people came up to him asking for his autograph and if he’s Axl. He’s like “Who the fuck is Axl Rose?” With him I PLAYED the good girl. But I was young. I was dumb, and I wanted to swallow his cum. …but not for him to know.
Lance. He sounds handsome. He fucking sounds handsome. <3 I haven’t asked for a photo, because frankly… Personally, I like to keep my photo in my profile. If I want you to know what I look like, I’ll show you. If he wants me to know what he looks like, he’ll show me. I think. And still, it doesn’t really… worry me. He’ll look like himself, and then, I’ll map that awesome brain into whatever potato head he might have. “Oh fuck, I had no idea Vladimir Putin could look handsome with the right brain installed!”
Oooh… Speed dating variation; speed fucking. “Do you want to do this again…” “We’ve got a match!” Oh, Lance is gonna love that one.
“No, it’s cool. It’s cool.”
Then what about when he wants other women still? To be fair… Whores and wives separate, right? I authentically don’t mind him having one-off fucks on the side. I just don’t want them hidden. They don’t need to be all reported on (why would you remember all of them) but they can’t be a secret, right?
But what if he wants another girlfriend, or he tests your reaction to it? And you go “Yeah whatever,” because you don’t want to sound possessive. You want to put him in a fucking leash and cuff him to your radiator, but you can’t say that, can you?
Dodging.
The other guy… WhatshouldIcallhim in this instance, he tried to relationship zone me. He doms from the bottom. I think he’s a genuine dom, but the way he doms feels fake. It’s designed for the average polygynist female. Who wants to control her dom. So they kind of create this what’s his name, Mr. Gray character that fits their fantasy, and that’s what WhatshouldIcallhim is doing now I think. I fucking hate it.
We were bitching about him with Lance. We’re both fascinated but there’s something off with him. I think we both feel the need to either ditch him or poke at him to see if we can get the real guy out. I should send him “folders” of real sex pics. (He sends me this ‘discipline’ BDSM stuff with pretty polished people in them that is just not my thing. I want torture and r***, lol. Beautiful people, but roughed up, not cuffed with fluffy handcuffs and tickled with a fucking cat… thing, you know what I mean?
So… I react to the fake in him, maybe. Maybe I’m fascinated by the real? But, then… Hmm. I wonder if avoidance of conversations is the feeling that there’s really nobody in your corner if some shit hits the fan. And the shit is not necessarily shit-shit but rather: “you made me open up to you and now you owe me a relationship.”
There’s a lot of unknowns with a new person.
You may know you like the guy, but you may not know if it’s your fantasy, or if it’s real, or if it’s the same shit that makes other women abandon all reason and clarity and devote themselves to some guy who is a good guy but really doesn’t want a thing to do with you. Not even because you’re single and in need of a protector because he’s selfish. Haha. You know, that’s pretty much how SOME women think. “I’m single, you’re single, and I’ve cleared you for a relationship, now, take care of me.” “What do you mean you are not interested?! No, no, you won’t disappoint me, I’m not that picky or critical, and I swear I won’t cheat on you…” You know commitment obsessed people. Their full belief is that the only trait you need in a relationship to fully qualify is the willingness to commit.
So the more AWARE I become of other people’s weirdness, the more pitfalls I see. He may look like Brad Pitt, but he may well turn out to be That Pittfall instead. Therefore, you dodge and weave, you try to work out the person and what they’re like.
And you freak out when they seem perfectly fucking normal.
Second Life is not real, is it?
It’s Valentine’s Day here. We pixel fucked for the first time. Hehe. And did I do a screencap? No. Noooo I did not. *Dumb dumb dumb*
And then, comes the attachment disorder. “It’s just Second Life. It’s not real.” And no, it isn’t. But the people are real. Just because it’s in 3D, doesn’t make the people behind the screens less real… Well, actually it probably does. It’s easier to role play with even permission to role play. I personally don’t like role-playing in that sense at least… (I’ll RP a r*p* scenario without a second thought, but) I won’t role-play a character. I role-play scenarios as I play myself in that situation…
The fantasies and dreams and wishes on Second Life are real as fuck. The conversations that revolve around the displayed kinks are real. What we expose to others is real. And some of it… And when it hits the mark, and you know you’re not alone… FUUUCK.
And what is he avoiding?
What I think a lot of men are avoiding to face or to reveal to a woman, is that they are a) romantic, b) a pervert. Both are a secret. They limit their perversion to what women readily allow, but romanticism is a reaction to how much she has already allowed. If he’s free enough to be who he is, then, the romance comes out, too.
It’s the same for me, really. If you love me for my sexual side, I’ll let you love me for my romantic side. That’s one of the ways I’m similar to a lot of guys and understand their reluctance to commit to someone who doesn’t fully love their sexuality.
This is also why I write everything in a semi-public blog. “No, I’m not saying these things just to please you. I thought of this before we met. You didn’t defile me (although I’d like you to try…), this is the way I am and have always been. I need you to love me like this.”
