I should just trust my instincts and not give anybody a chance to make me fall in love with them. Whenever I answer a chat, accept a compliment… Try the “friends first” approach, “getting to know him,” I have never managed anything better than “Well, there is nothing wrong with him. I like him, but…” taking it for granted that he can sense the one-sidedness of it all loud and clear, and would soon give up… But no. They tend not to. Or they don’t care it’s one-sided.
The only times I’ve fallen in love at all have been at first sight – irreversibly. Whatever I feel in 3 seconds from looking them in the eye for the first time, I’ll feel for them forever. 0.3 seconds won’t count. “Feeling sparks” means nothing, and sometimes, it’s annoying because some of these guys are actually… Full 10, but I still just “kinda love them.” I’d like to love them but don’t. Annoying.
In real life or SL, it still works. Knowing from the first moment… But you know, I seem to have that effect on men; they all seem to feel it with me, so how am I going to know if when what I feel is mutual? Is it just that he’s just out-hot-scaled me, or is it mutual? If I pursued it, would my feelings just annoy them like men one-sidedly in love with me annoy me, no matter how much I wished that wasn’t true? (Do I wish that? That would make true love entirely too easy to find.)
Are they just a male version of the same, someone EVERY woman falls for? Maybe I’m just one of their thousand this year? And, still, I have my one in every million (or is it every thousand?), but how are they going to know it any better than I do about them, lest we SAY something, a-hole?
I’ll have to stop being a flake.
At any rate, I’ll have to stop being a to-and-froing flake when I already know how I feel. Friends only… Or something. And I’m so fucking bored with the whole idea of friends only. I don’t want friends only. Friends can go to fuckery. I don’t want to friend-zone men who want a fuck or a romance. That has never worked, will never work. You can try… The ONLY fucking men who will accept friends only are your fucking True Emotion Mirrors. The ones who love you REGARDLESS, always, no matter what. Even if you marry their fifth best friend on a weak moment before getting deployed to a World War II battle… And once they both survive, your TrEmoR comes to your house for a cup of tea, no drama.
Unless he’s scared shitless about… Something. Like you marrying his BEST friend, maybe.
I was hoping for a lot of casual lovers, some of whom will grow to become more important and more important… Until I don’t even remember the less important ones. But I’m always just stuck with two or three people who are nice, but there’s nothing to get excited over. I try to get excited, I try to talk myself into being excited, and yet, some guys can not even talk to me, look like s***, even on SL, have no RL photo, and I’m like OOOOOO. “He’s dreamy.” Let alone in real life… (I know this SL thing is kinda silly, but it’s also so educational. It’s interesting, in all of its annoyance… And also so fucking cool in other ways.)
Let’s bore them to death…
I have this bad habit of trying to wear them out. So often, there’s no real relationship to break up from. So you feel like you have to have a conversation, but you’re not really together anyway, so it feels like an exaggeration to break up. Instead, I’ll just wait, trying to ghost them out, but then the day comes when I’m bored and need ANY company at all, and there we are.
And I tell myself, “We’re just chatting, yes? Don’t make a big deal out of it; they were not born yesterday,” and yet, grown-ass men get attached. It would be rude just to remove them from a friend list, right? I could, and I have done that with a lot of fuck buddies, but if there’s been anything in the way of some level of friendship, you feel like you have to say something before you vanish out of their lives.
And then there’s the first friend you made on Second Life 16-years ago, whom you haven’t spoken to since you finally pixel fucked, but you can’t remove him because of nostalgia makes it feel good to see his name on the list every time he logs on.
And no matter how much I say “accepting” isn’t enough!!! They still sell “I accept it.”
Granted, this is semi-directly from a conversation I just had… Sure, a modern guy will give you your freedom to see other men. He’ll accept it, even if he doesn’t like it. However, even though I’ve always been 100% open about being polyandrous by my natural leaning, that I’m looking for a polyandrous relationship, there will be a monogamist/polygynist there “accepting” the way I am, when I need polyandrous men who are absolutely 100% into it and liberated to treat me like the whore they can pass off to their best friend or a business partner for a one-night gift and know I’ll come back purring.
And if I use the word “whore” instead of a “shared wife” or something, there’ll be another bunch of coconuts trying to save me from that kind of treatment. Some of them polyandrist men. “I’ll show her I can treat her right… I’ll buy her gifts and let her have her boyfriends until she knows there’s only one left…” Stop treating it like being fucked is a punishment!! I mean… It can be, but only once the 5th guy starts, and then, things will start to get good. (I haven’t got such experience, truth be told, don’t freak out, but I imagine it’d be wild. I’ve been propositioned a few times, but I’m saving myself for special 5 – when finding one is difficult enough, so smart.)
My men won’t feel like they’re given a consolation price of being one of the many… They must feel honored and proud to be one of THESE GUYS. And THESE GUYS must, thus, be men a Full 10 guy would be honored to share a… wife. Woman. A whore. A hole with. Any of those things, really. Underpants even. Maybe fleshlights would be asking too much.
Cruel to be kind. I figure.
I don’t like to hurt anybody. So I’ve been nicer than I need to be to a lot of people. Given attention. “It’d be rude not to answer an email, IM, phone call…” Defo rude to not talk to someone who talks to you in real – albeit that I’m good at. To give a guy the cold shoulder in real life. But online, it’s different. He knows you “heard him.” You can’t see the guy. How he carries himself. How he walks, talks, how he looks. You think he deserves a chance. But you STILL kinda know. Maybe I had to learn that, given I doubt that the Internet is going anywhere any time soon. Future lifetimes and all. You CAN tell, even online. Even on SL, when people can wear whatever looking avatar, you still know who is RL hot without having to ask for their photo… And exactly how hot, and how hot they are to you. (How? They’re more cautious. They know every woman will want them, so they’re careful how much they promise.)
Ash that still burns, he he. If you think it’s unbelievable to know real life first sight… To know online.
And yet. I wouldn’t tell Brad Pitt I’m not sure if he’s hot enough without meeting him face to face. :p I mean, is online different to the big screen… Because… I feel like sometimes the screen needs to pay attention to you before you really look at them in that way. And, he’d be acting… On red carpet, it’s still a type of a role. Online is different. They’re not only themselves, but also accessible. You treat them as “potential” and you know whether you do or don’t. Brad Pitt… Fuck. You know? “You can shove that smile up your ass, you security guard -fenced ivory tower inhabitant-pro-charmer!” Until you’re looking Brad Pitt in the eye, and think: “Fuck!”
But like INTERPRETATION.
And then what one person says and what that another person in love thinks they said…
I remember talking with this guy I fucken fell in love with at the moment he walked in at a glory hole on Second Life, so bad that the fuck buddy I was with noticed it before I said anything about it. Before I said anything, my fuck-buddy-friend said: “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” I’m like HOW THE FUCK?! I added him, the new guy, as a friend or the other way around and to my greatest dismay he actually IM’d me the next day. He said something the first time we had a real talk… I perfectly remember him saying: “Well, when you meet the right one…”
That’s not what he said. Thanks to chat logs, there’s no if buts or maybe’s about it, but in my memory… He said “when you meet the right one…”
And then, sometimes you say something about sensing a party year coming up (for yourself and your True Emotion Mirrors without mentioning it,) and the guy you’re with hears: “We’ll have an intense romance next year…” Whoa. You know? This shit is insane! Never imagine someone half aware should be self-confident about these things, because if they know how easily people see “signs” or project their own feelings of any type to another person, they’ll fear doing that themselves just now… Brad Pitt wouldn’t know. He’s too smart to be 100% self-assured. You just don’t know until they’re on their knee with a diamond ring… Or say yes to it..
Actually, you STILL don’t know. That proposal and the response to it has to be… EMOTIONAL AS FUCK to matter. If there are any on-lookers, they’d better be wiping their tears, or you’ve missed something. Them politely clapping isn’t good enough. THEY need to sense it.
I fear being labelled prudish…
So here’s how stupid I am. I hate prudes. I absolutely hate fucking prudes. Loathe them. Fucking self-important bitches. “My pussy is a fucking temple.” Oh FUCK OFF! So I’d rather fuck the guy the prudes reject, just to fucking hate her more, then fuck another bunch of guys who I don’t love for good measure, share my nude pics around like candy, and count on my true loves still loving me, otherwise, it wouldn’t be true love anyway, but I will not have you call me a fucking prude. If you cannot love a slut, you can FUCK OFF and marry some bitch whose vagina closed up on it’s own, just because it acts like cocks were made of lemon. Luckily there are surgeons now that specialize in carving those things open again for you.
That said, I’ll have to risk it.
Eww… I hate to think about it. Saying no to NO SEX AT ALL?! Not even once? Just because why? I don’t feel like it? I always feel like it (with a new guy, so I’ve proven not to be a prude), it’s just that I can’t have you fucking fall in love with me because I’m good at it, you fuck. But I can’t say that: “Sure, we’ll fuck, but don’t fall for me just because I’m a really good lay.” They’ll fall. They always do. More or less, and the ones that fall more, will freak out and vanish, or start acting like mothafucking morons. Like royal morons. When they feel that true love churn… You know, BRAIN LOVE… When you’re not only in love by your genitals or your heart, but when your BRAIN has fallen in love, too, or, worse yet, you feel a full-body love cloud, your ego as ravenous as your brain, heart, genitals, you know the guys are going to freak the fuck out and start acting insane.
So how do I phrase it? “I’m sorry luv, I can’t fuck you. You’ll think you’re in love and then you’ll think I’m a bitch for dumping you. Let’s just do that now. Call me a bitch, prude, and a narcissist and let’s go on with your friend zoning.”
I’ll have to make a real commitment to the idea of true love.
I figure this might have been the problem… I feel like waiting for true love is going to take fucking forever. I’m BORED without it, so I play around with Misters Not Quite Right At All. And sure enough, I’m 48. No true love, apart from what could be argued to be mere fantasy relationships with men who have, at best, barely spoken to me, at worst, never met me. CLEARLY the men I have loved my whole life have no interest in me whatsoever in the real world. In my imagination, “in spirit,” they worship the ground I walk on. Reality? They barely notice I exist… Or they have no idea I exist, one or the other.
Still. In spirit, they complain about me not committing to them. To what exactly, I’ve argued. You’re NOT HERE. I’m arguing with a fantasy.
That said, maybe they have a point. I’ll have to commit to the idea of true love, even if I don’t know if THEY are the ones or not. I have to let go of THEM, but not what they mean to me; the true love. I know what men are NOT IT. I know it without speaking to them. So maybe I know who are, without speaking to them, maybe they know what I am, without speaking to me, and maybe they are much more aware of what I need to learn than I am. That’s usually how it goes; “I know what you need to learn, even if you have no idea of it’s importance.” They had to learn that dying for me is not fucking helpful for my happiness.
It’s not that I’ve ever wanted anything but… Who the fuck would not want true love?!
I mean, the only reason a person isn’t going for true love is that they don’t feel it’s possible or they’re protecting themselves, or they don’t even believe in it. It’d be INSANE not to want true love if you knew what it was or even had an idea of it. What kind of a moron would say no to it? Still, for some reason, these idiotic TrEmoRs of mine, and this is the only time I’ve used the word “idiot” to describe them… “stupid men,” yes… Anyway, these idiot TrEmoRs of mine, I think they might have given the real idiot friend of mine a little too much of a listen. I think SHE thinks I don’t “want” true love… Whatever the fuck that even would mean.
They say some people don’t want true love because it’s so “consuming.” Aha. Whatever. Maybe they’re one-sidedly “truly” in love, that sounds like something that would wear you the fuck out in no time.
I said she interpreted he was told
Sure, I’ve said I hate it when a one night stand starts hanging on and expecting phone numbers to be exchanged. Why? Because I want true love and some random fuck isn’t that, and I’m not dumb enough to think he would be. I may have said I hate rom coms, because I fucking do. They have nothing to do with true love, they’re usually just ego-masturbation for narcissistic bitches. Other times, they’re just so bland and boring… One big yawn. I want fantasy movie love. You know, “I’ll climb the highest mountain…” Although, the mountain has to be climbed by the right guy, that’s the obvious truth. When it’s a mundane guy, you just feel like it would have been nice of him to save himself the trouble so you don’t feel like such a bitch sending him back down the cliff with a warm handshake and a glass of cold water to thank him.
I’ve said I don’t want monogamy, but that has nothing to do with not wanting true love. My true love is polyandrous. I didn’t know that at the time my idiotic friend drew her conclusions about me, so even that makes no more sense than me having said I don’t want monogamy… Because I didn’t say that. I’ve never said I don’t want to get married, either, until now… I don’t want to get married until they recognize polygamy again… Or I’ll have unofficial ceremonies, and remain married in heart only. I’ve said I don’t want to have children, but that TOTALLY has nothing to do with not wanting true love: I don’t want kids around to interfere into my romance… For one thing. I want to see nothing but my lovers… Like ever… Well, maybe in another lifetime, when polyandry is no longer something my children need to defend their parents for.
No. I haven’t ADVERTISED wanting TRUE LOVE, specifically. That should be a given, really.
And no, I haven’t ADVERTISED wanting to get married or wanting to find true love. You know what that does to people around you?! They’ll start matching you up with men you would NEVER talk to, let alone fall for. The fact I don’t talk about it is because it’s too fucking important to me to let people fuck it up for me.
And then, you know what these meddling morons do? They manage to find a way to fuck it up for you anyway.
I’m so fucking fed up with “friends” and “family” that have NO IDEA who you are and what you’re about. And who are just as platonically one-sidedly in love with me as any fucking half-wit online guy… 95% you, and the KEY 5% fantasy of who you MIGHT be.
I’ve complained about this and that or another, but never about “not wanting true love.” That doesn’t even make logical sense why anyone would even secretly think that, let alone say something like that, or complain when it doesn’t come her way.