There’s a way of thinking about commitment that says: “No matter what I do to you, or what you do to me, we’ll stick together.” That leads to nothing but abuse when you start testing your partner’s true level of commitment. So some of us, myself included, over-correct and decide NEVER to hurt, bore, assume, or ask for anything from our partner. That’s too sterile.
The goal, the request has to be: “Commit to me even if I suck sometimes.” You’ll try to do your best not to suck, but you know you’re going to suck at times. You’re going to be a bit of a… Burden at times, and you both/all have to have that permission to be so to each other.
It is not to try your hardest to send the other one packing like some people do to test commitment. The truth is that if you do that, there WILL BE A TIME when you’re no longer worth your crap, and your partner WILL leave. Everybody has their limit.
I sound like a coach again, but I only figured this out a couple of days ago that this was my problem. The fear of being a problem to someone. Even the tiniest one. It may be a bit hard to believe, considering I’ve been nothing but a burden to people my whole life, and I figure my soulmates wanted me to believe I can be without being kicked out on the street or whatever… That people will look after me, but I’m not worried about it. I KNOW people will. Good people will, and that goodness is so fucking easy to abuse. I am afraid of being the abuser. I am not the slightest bit worried about being thrown on the street; I’ll never treat someone so badly that they’d do that to me. The circumstances would have to be extraordinary for that to happen, but I fear and hate it when I find myself abusing someone else’s kindness. (I have two people in mind in particular. Neither owes me a damned thing and here they are, in my corner… and frankly, I don’t like it. I’m thankful, but I hate the fact they need to be.)
How well do you have to know someone to owe them help? To me, there is no such time. They owe me nothing. Which just makes them more precious that they don’t. And I’m… Crap at times. I suck in ways that I cannot change. Namely, I can’t, for the life of me or the money of theirs, make myself tolerate the idea of a 9 to 5 job that would force me to bury my dream of doing something meaningful with my life. I know on the surface, my crap looks so very much like nothing is happening. It looks like I play Second Life all day or doom scroll shorts day in, day out. And I do both. A lot of both, but at the same time… I do have my goal. The real goal is that I work toward every day. A bit by bit, tirelessly.
I am single because I have never been able to make a commitment to someone who would allow me to suck sometimes. No, that’s not right. I haven’t dared to push for a relationship with men who I thought were perfect – out of fear I wouldn’t be. I’ve had friends, lovers, whatever. People are there. But they’re like a lucky accident. Not something I’ve chosen or made a real commitment to. Not even when I married. One day, I’ll apologize to my ex for having sucked at times (although not for the thing he thinks I sucked doing, he sucked then, not me… But there are plenty of other ways I sucked, and he stuck through it, still my closest friend.)
To let someone in one’s life who has the permission to suck at times. Who is worth his shit. Someone… Some men. Plenty of, even. (Given.) That is the new thing I learned. I have to let myself suck, and I have to agree that you (lot) will suck at times, too, and I’ll love it.
This I must learn like it was the new perfectionist.
