Ponderings on how to live as a polyandrist (polyamorist/polygamist)

I am not a seasoned polyamorist/polygamist as of writing this page. I’m still figuring this out like most people. Still, from my spirit conversations, I can predict a problem or two… This page is going to be updated document as to what I suggest you’d consider for your ruleset as a polyamorist, and what I draw from personally when I create my own, personal rules.

What type of a polygamist?

I do believe humans are mostly or systematically polygamous by their true alignment. I don’t think monogamy is natural, but it works best as a default if we don’t realize there are 3 main types of polygamy, and if you get it wrong, you’ll be miserable. That doesn’t mean polygamy doesn’t work for you; it means you’re in the wrong type of a mashup. (I use “married” to mean the level of commitment rather than a legal contract/status.)

Therefore, your #1 task is to figure out what type of polygamist you are. There are 3 basic forms:

+MFM+ – Polyandry – one woman married to several men.

+FMF+ – Polygyny – one man married to several women.

+FMFM+ – Polygynandry – several men married to several women.

Whatever feels NICE, luxurious, tantalizing, tempting, gorgeously delicious is your type. You might wonder why anyone would want X or Y, but you’d be surprised what they say about your stupid choices. 😀

Where to draw the line?

I know I won’t be a 1+2 kind of polyandrist. There’s going to be more than two husbands. A few boyfriends, and a bucket load of randos. >D This may change, given the fact that a new partner will mean altered rules. But when I’m still single, who do I take on as a permanent partner? That’s an ongoing conundrum. Initially, I thought only True Emotion Mirrors, but practically, that’s a bit ambitious. I haven’t met many, let alone have them in my speed dial. A girl has needs. 😀 Sexual needs, not luxury needs. Some needs for pampering, massages, and such. :p It’s nice to get out every once in a while, but those things don’t really require a commitment.

A relationship vs. a committed relationship.

Now, this will be an important distinction to make (even with monogamous people): Are you in a relationship or in a committed relationship? The main difference is this: Do you both feel GREAT about arguing with each other knowing the other one will not ditch the relationship as a consequence? Do you feel SAFE in that knowledge or TRAPPED into it? If you feel trapped, this relationship should be just a relationship and NOT a committed one.

What do you commit to do?

Even if it’s just a relationship, there should probably be some consensus as to what you CAN commit to. “I’ll keep you company for as long as you find something better, but only for as long as my True Emotion Mirrors are OK with that.” This may be “physically present True Emotion Mirrors” or “TrEmoRs with you in spirit.” You can commit to treating each other with respect while you’re together, while making no promises of the future.

In a fully committed relationship, the commitment is: No matter what kind of fucking bullshit you sling my way, I’ll stick with you, because you’re worth all the possible bullshit you can guess, except the feeling that you truly don’t love me enough anymore… Your attention sifts and varies too much, maybe. “For as long as you want my attention, you’re free to seek it, in whatever way you feel like doing it.” “You have permission to annoy me, crowd me, push your presence and company at me, no limitations, disrespect me and my privacy, and join my other lovers and me whenever you feel like it (but please don’t crash the bubble…).” And, if it’s some rando or whatever, you can always demand priority treatment. (TrEmoRs tend to do the opposite, really, put everyone else first; they’ll wait for their turn – they shouldn’t.)

No more of this liberal bullshit. 😀

I’ll have to make a new rule for my dating style. I was writing complicated if-but-maybe rules, but I actually managed to summarize it to a very simple rule:

Get into a relationship with only those you’d marry tomorrow without the option of divorce, on instinct.

(And no, that’s not how I usually date.)

Everyone else… Friends, with benefits or without, but no commitment is to be made.

For those I’m about to marry.

This doesn’t mean I find you perfect in every way. This was quite the liberation, actually. I’ve never wanted to change anyone in order to marry them, but who the fuck is that perfect out of the box, especially at 50+ when shit has happened, and shitty women have had their shitty hands on you for all that time? You’ve got all kinds of conditioning going on, and I need it the fuck gone.

I might not find you perfect. And I may yell at you a lot. I intend to MAKE YOU perfect, until you throw your hands in the air and say, “I’m done. Fuck this.”

I may not have the same rules for everybody. I may not be able to say why not, but whatever it is, it’s my new rule. Would I marry you tomorrow? As in, would I commit to you, for life, tomorrow, without fear.

Also, I can’t make the decision on the basis of an internet conversation – either way.

This is very dog thinking, and I’m adopting it.

Dog Thinkers are the pain in my fucking neck. Still, they have some good life principles, and this is one of them. They take relationships very seriously, and they don’t have “trials”. That’s a good way to do it.

That said, they whinge and whine and beg for commitment when the other person isn’t ready to give them such. They guilt-trip people into relationships – with themselves or other losers. They mock you and others who are “commitment phobic” without realizing they just don’t make the cut. They don’t realize that the commitment must go both ways, and consent is required – you can’t just point fingers at people and acquire them like you were shopping for Luis Vuitton. Consent is the fucking king here, too. They like to reputation-destroy people who tell them no, so that’s not kosher, but they do commit well.

So. I’m adopting the good bits, rejecting the naive bullshit bit.