I’m a magnet for narcissists, here’s a cheat sheet to what I know (and you can use).

Honestly, I’m a magnet for people with a narcissistic personality disorder, and I’ve thus become somewhat of an expert in these people. The best sign that you’re doing something impressive is that there are about a dozen narcissists either in your circle of friends or actively trying to get into it. (Well, not quite, don’t worry. Just knowing a couple of narcissists is quite enough to prove your worth, lol.)

It takes a lifetime for a person to build themselves a good reputation, and it takes one single narcissist you allowed to get too close to you to tear that down. IF they are known to be your friend, they will be perceived to have “insider knowledge” about you to drive other people away from you, so they can gain a monopoly of abuse over you. They do not stick to the truth, crafting this “insider scoop” either.

A narcissist is a person whose entire life is a performance of a lifetime to an audience of one – themselves. For as long as they can keep pretending to themselves that they’re flying, they’ll keep lying. However, the rest of us get dragged into that performance, and that’s an opening for you. Here are some issues:

• They believe whatever they can make people believe is the truth (about them and their “friends”).
• They don’t have friends; they have utilities.
• They do realize that they can say one thing to one person and another to another, without much of a chance of “cross-contamination” (sadly).
  • When a camera is present, it seems they so far haven’t figured out that the danger of “cross-contamination” is super high… (Record everything you can if suspicious.)
• If two people claim the other is a narcissist but only one of them insists the relationship must thus be broken/continued, the one who wants it to continue is the narcissist.
• They will try to recruit other people to convince their target to forgive them and continue the relationship (if they have a sympathetic ear to turn to).
• Narcissists love monogamy and mono-friendships, as it’s easier to control the reputation and life of one person over the reputation of multiple partners/friends.

Let’s do some logical thinking.

I know to some of you this might break a brain, but let’s just give it a fucking go, shall we?

A narcissist is an abuser. The people they “love” the most are the most gullible of people, people who are easy to lie to, quick to forgive, and generous by their nature. Suppose they are “cool”, rich, and/or famous, the better. The more narcissists you know, the cooler you know you are, btw, there’s that. Narcissists are drawn to cool people like flies to shit. Now.

• Good people tend to believe bad stuff said without question, because “why would anyone lie about something like that?” Especially coming from “a concerned, but loyal friend/family member,” which is a narcissist’s favorite disguise, I might add.
  • Do they still consider them a friend? If their story about them is true, would you still want to be friends with a person like that? Why do they still “love” that person so without question?
• Have you ever spoken to that interesting person who you’ve heard nasty rumors about yourself? Did you ask them about what was said about them?
• Why does the suspected narcissist want that relationship to continue? Why so forgiving? What are they getting out of it?
• Mind you, that a narcissist THINKS you know they’re lying but CHOOSE to believe them because you like them. You allow them to play a game while you’re hosting their party.

Early signs

• Myth: They are always beautiful and talented. Rarely so. In fact, many of them are downright pathetic.
• They are EAGER to get to know you. Really EAGER. Freaking EAGER. (Can be forgiven if this is the ONLY sign, but it is usually a huge red flag. This is the ONE thing normal people could really learn to do but it is usually a bad sign.)
• They want to know everyone you know. FAST. (They need to control these people.) Normally, people are not nearly as eager to meet everyone you know.
• They seem to have an unusually good self-esteem. “Pushy” is one word. They do not fear rejection like normal people tend to.
  • At the same time, they overreact when they are rejected.
  • They may recruit a lot of people to overturn that rejection.
  • They “NEEEEED TO” get in.
  • They tend to feel suspicious of invitations that don’t seem exclusive or difficult to obtain.
• That self-esteem doesn’t HAVE TO, but CAN be based on reality, but even when real, they tend to overstate and over-emphasis stuff that is plainly obvious. They lack trust that people can see that. (A lot of normal women overstate their sexual willingness, because it is NOT OBVIOUS that some women feel that way.)
  • To narcissists, their words mean everything. If they just SAY IT, it becomes true. At the same time, simply BEING SOMETHING, demonstrating it, to them, seems “flexible”.
• Somewhat “odd” behavior, you notice an assortment of weird, classless things about them. Bad, unbecoming, or rude behavior that they pass off as normal or even admirable.
• Suggesting to play competitive games but cracking the shits if they don’t win. (Bad sportmanship.) (Pathetic narcissists skip.)
• Love bombing CAN happen with normal people, but the narcissist’s love bombing is shameless.

Soon after

Talented narcissist

• Rude remarks about you, guised as curiosity or concern.
• Backhanded compliments.
• A keen eye contact to gauge your reaction to what they say.
• Setting boundaries of what they will not do for you as a friend.
• Boasting about talents, skills, and connections (even former ones).
• Dismissing former connections as something “they don’t need ‘anymore’,” and are “too good” for or “too much” for. The tone feels weird. (Normal person says “I don’t like”, a narcissist says “I don’t need”.)
• Baseline believes they HAVE TO BE perfect, and when they’re somehow caught to NOT BE perfect (for everything) they can have extreme reactions or deep denial about any suggestion of flaws. (Pathetic narcissists may seem to get SUPER DEPRESSED due to their flaws, but their goal is just to pass for a regular person.)

Pathetic narcissist

• Suggestions of “friends forever”
• “Potato sacking”, as in slumping down like a potato sack if you don’t give them attention or keep constantly feeding their ego.
• Eagerly agreeing with everything you say, even if they very clearly have very little idea of what you’re talking about. “Riding the wave”.
• Habit of unrealistic expectations as to what this friendship means exactly.
• Seeking protection from their friend, against imaginary threats, mostly.
• Exaggerating/over romanticising the meaning of the relationships they have. (TrEmoRs feel this mutually, a pathetic narcissist one-sidedly.)
• Managing the reputation of people connected to them. They need to control how others see their individual friends, whether good or bad, or a combination of. (Try contradicting or challenging their views of people they know, even if you didn’t know them that well.)
• Possibly a quick rise in self-confidence due to friendship with someone cool… (you?) (Like they gained strength from you. This also happens between TrEmoRs, but in narcissists, the connection doesn’t have to be that mutually special.)
• Boasting about tokens of love given to them by anyone. (Particularly present in narcissistic grandmothers.)
• May desperately try to understand how to please you, particularly after you’ve threatened to end the relationship.

Later on

• When you ask them to describe you (even if you’re “besties” by now), they will likely disappoint you in what they focus on or how poorly they know you.
• If you make a joke at their expense, they tend to react to it “wrong”. They’ll get offended when it’s an innocent roast, and laugh when you’re actually trying to put them down.
• Their story keeps changing and shifting when questioned.
• They may see you as
  • They may see you as a project. They see “potential” that they will mould to their liking.
  • They may also see you as a means to a higher status.
  • A coach who will make them better (at faking it, mind you, not as a coach that will actually make them better).
  • A member of their allied forces. People who can be used as their defenders once their actual target wants to end the relationship.
  • As a door opener to places where they should never be allowed to be by their true merit.
• They project a lot. A LOT. Most of the shit they talk about others is actually about themselves.

After breakup

• Former friends/partners’ worth is directly connected to whether they JUST NOW feel they can return to them or not.
• They may cook up even brutal lies about things they “witnessed” with their former friend/partner.
• Highly emotional breakup. Seeking pity and attention. Pathetic narcissists may theatrically blame themselves (to force you to tell them that’s not realistic and it wasn’t their fault), but both types will blame the former more.

How to catch a narcissist?

• When you’re being told stories about a third party, ask for proof. ALWAYS ask for proof when something nasty is being said about another person. Narcissists will be quick to feel offended that you don’t take their word for face value, whereas a normal person would not. They’d understand why.
• Compare notes. What was said to you vs. other people?
• If someone is called “a bitch”, “selfish”, or “cold”, can they give specific examples of how exactly? What has that person done, exactly?
  • Do they have proof?
• Always record conversations if you suspect someone.
• Never delete an email/messages you get from a human being. NEVER. You may need them later.
• Ask/talk to other people if they’ve had issues with the same person, and make sure you’re suspecting they’re being lied about, not really under your personal suspicion.
• Stay cold and logical. Narcissists are brilliant at apologizing, asking for a second chance, pretending to care, and being “concerned” about a perfectly reasonable person.
• Remember, narcissists treat cameras the same way they treat people – unable to recall specifics.
• Demand the full clip when something is played back to you. “Give me the context. Show me the rest of it. Don’t worry, I’ve got time. I like that person and wouldn’t want them to be lied about, now would I?”
• Tell them “nobody likes a liar” and see how they react. (How would you react when someone faces you with that question?)
• Very fast relationships: It’s super easy to make friends with a narcissist. They go from meeting to best friends in a matter of hours. THAT IS NOT TO SAY that this can’t happen with normal people, too; it can, but it is a risk factor. They are also often very EAGER to be friends. They want to gain your trust FAST.

A narcissist with hope.

Some narcissists seem rather harmless because they’re so plain and inconsequential that nobody will take their hubris about themselves too seriously. (They’ll fool nobody there, but can be rather cute in their over-inflated ego, especially if women.) BUT they will play dirty, and make their friends look “nasty” by telling flat-out lies about them. They use others to gain ground where they were never supposed to get. They are the dangerous ones. They command so much compassion.

The narcissists who have mastered a high talent for something and are known perfectionists are the easiest to snap out of the last of their narcissism. When they CAN back up their tall talk, they have LESS NEED for narcissistic behavior. It may be a hangover habit from previous lifetimes, when they still learned their craft or personal perfection. Their intelligence can be used to remind them of a perfection they haven’t yet mastered. They can be corrected, whereas a dumb narcissists cannot do but to keep patching up their failures.

There needs to be appropriate consequences, but there also needs to be compassion – but you cannot let that compassion be used against you or someone you care about. Don’t give a narcissist another chance to repeat the offence – with considerations.

Most people are, to an extent, narcissistic. It’s really about the scale of which we should consider people narcissistic. The last bit of narcissism is that we act inauthentically for public approval when we KNOW the true self would do something different. For instance, making friends with people we don’t like or NOT making friends with people we DO like because we feel judged one way or another.

What is NOT narcissistic or wrong (but can be seen that way by a manipulative narcissist)

• Choosing your friends from people you genuinely like. (Otherwise, what’s the point of friends?)
• Limiting your sexual relationships to people you’re genuinely attracted to. (Obviously.)
• Defending your honor.
• Protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse.
• In most cases, reporting a crime. However, “OK with the same deed and against it when it suits me” is a sign of narcissism.
• Being specific or difficult to please.
• Having standards for your friends or lovers, and rejecting those who don’t meet the standards.

Things that ARE manipulative narcissism but often not noticed:

• Using non-discriminatory practices to gain access to positions they’re not qualified for.
• Using non-discriminatory practices to guilt-trip oneself into an intimate relationship/act with someone.
• Using non-discriminatory practices to gain access to spaces not meant for them.
• Using religion to control another person’s life or actions.
• Holding a person to their virtues to gain access to the benefits those virtues grant them, while not holding themselves to the same virtues. “I can lie about you, but you can’t lie about me, because you’re a Christian but I’m not.”

Things that are very difficult for a narcissist to understand.

• The concept of truth and its importance of it.
• The concept of true love. (They equate it directly to loyalty and giving attention.)
• The idea that friends don’t need to be involved in literally everything (including their intimate relationships).
• The concept of having two or more friends without them being in control of all of them.
• Stuff that happens behind their back. (People talking about them. They fear it, but they can’t fully count on it happening.)
• An ending of a relationship. “But I know you, therefore, we’re friends. You can’t UNKNOW someone.”
• Why “you lied” can mean the end of a relationship. “I can always say something else if you prefer!!”
• The concept of “authenticity” is downright impossible for them to wrap their mind around.
• Oddly, a conditional sentence can be very confusing to them. “If this, then that.” If this doesn’t match, they’ll still try to do that, because you haven’t instructed them on “if not, then do nothing.” They’ll also believe that whatever advice people get, it’s always valuable to everybody. Trying to talk them out of doing something seems like they’re being denied something valuable, if it’s anything emotional. They never seem to grasp emotional sentences the same way as “if there is a fire, do not carry a can of petrol near it.” “Why not? What are you talking me out of?” (Literally “talking me into a lack of something.”
• The idea of not being a narcissist requires doing the right thing even if it doesn’t benefit them – this is where their brain basically melts down.
• Last but not least: Nothing confuses a liar like a truth-teller. They DO NOT trust a truth teller. At all. (It makes sense, as truth tellers are terrible at recognizing a secret and keeping them.)

Fight fire with fire.

If you make a friend with a narcissist, which I say you should, if you feel that person is worth the drama, you should always be prepared to attack them and call them out on their bullshit every chance you get. Don’t let them get away with anything.

Still. NEVER make friends with another person whom you don’t genuinely like, and don’t stay friends with a narcissist if you feel they are not worth the drama for you. Get out QUICK, as soon as you notice the signs, even if they’re small. At any rate, a friendship with a narcissist is a battle, and they’d better be worth that crap for you.

GENERAL rule: We’re all narcissistic on a scale.

The trouble with being a healthy person is that you have to be as close to a narcissist as you can without being one. Meaning it’s a bit of a balancing act. You need to always rely on the truth of the matter, realism. Proof. Proof. Proof. You have to keep a brutal eye on yourself and your OWN behavior, not others’ as much. YOU need to watch your own narcissistic traits, to keep them from creeping in, because we’re ALL prone to them.

Goal: Balance my needs with your needs. No forcing relationships. No faking feelings, emotions, nor good will.

Overt narcissist: “Only my needs matter. You serve them.”  (Yes, many, many women are like this with men, namely.)

Pathetic narcissist: “Nobody cares about my needs, so I have to trick them into doing what’s right by me.”

Recovering narcissist: “My needs matter as much as your needs, but my attention is on superficial needs, success, and popularity.”

Not really a narcissist anymore: “My needs matter as much as yours, your emotions, authenticity, and feelings matter as much as mine, but I try too hard to be a good person, which leads to some fake behavior and relationships.”

Not a narcissist: “My needs matter as much as yours, but I’m not going to FAKE things to make myself look good in your (or some other random person’s) eyes. Sometimes I seem narcissistic to you, maybe, sometimes, you’re right. You might not like what I do, and you’re welcome to. We don’t need to be friends. I wouldn’t be friends with a liar anyway.”

The to-do.

If you have made a mistake of letting a narcissist into your midst, you might be best off NOT fighting too hard to get them out of the circles. Instead, make sure nobody is clueless about what they’re like. Keep receipts, as Gen Z would say it, as in collect evidence of truth, and let everyone know. Hold public trials for all I care, as long as everyone knows what everyone is. Don’t let them get away with anything, even if pushing them out would be impossible or dangerous in terms of them deciding to start spreading lies about you (again: keep the receipts.)

Also, be well aware of all the sexual abuse and assaults they will make up about you if you try to push them out. Be prepared to defend yourself from any random lies if you push them out by force. You may be able to negotiate an exit, but they may be too keen on re-teaching themselves on how to manipulate you to agree to be negotiated out. What you do is you re-teach yourself on how to force them to stick to the truth. You’ll wind up making life so boring to them that there’s a possibility they’ll find themselves new friends, even if now, making new friends seems too difficult and scary and downright impossible for them. After all, their definition of a friend is the one who believes their lies and keeps their secrets. Don’t be that person, even if technically, you’re not forcing them out, make it very uncomfortable for them to stay. (And have fun at their expense and make fun of them with good, friendly humor, to make the situation tolerable for yourself, and intolerable to them. Also, make fun of their touchiness when they react.)

In short: if they insist on being your friend, you’ll decide what it takes for people to be considered your friends. You can dictate the rules from the start, too, and then enforce them.