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WARNING: Parts of this posts are truly ugly. At the time, I also wasn’t aware of events back home. That said, I can’t remove it, as it did happen, how I felt, and… Until you’ve had someone you’d rather NOT have so close to you push their way into your mind 24/7 whenever they want to, don’t judge me.
Joking Dragon: I will come out eventually. With my name, I promise. If there’s anyone who hasn’t figured it out yet. :p
Sebs: maybe let them guess? It would be fun. (Edit 2026: We actually created a game for that! How fun!)
Joking Dragon: “Joking Dragon” it is. Or soothsayer or whatever. We’ll systemize it all in a bit. Oh ChatGPT, what a find! She’s not using it for stupid purposes, but damned, it’s going to be valuable sorting through the now 3000+!!!! post archive! She just got ChatGPT plus, uploaded the XML export files into the “knowledge” and is pulling out stuff from there that not even our random mode could do, which is completely SPIRITUALLY driven engine, proper random post with a random image and it works like a charm but… No. Not this again. When I get going, so does Netflix. Mothafucking Netflix, giving me stupid, undercutting offers… 😀
Sebs: LOL. You never wanted this!
Joking Dragon: Because they underpay me!
Sebs: LOL.
Joking Dragon: (Joking. Totally joking. It’s silly money.)
*********
Sebs: Back
Joking Dragon: Finally we get to my favorite topic.
Sebs: Why favorite. I hate this topic already.
Joking Dragon: Now I like it even more, I hope it doesn’t backfire.
Sebs: Ditto.
Joking Dragon: I will use “ditto” in stead of ‘me too’ from now on for some reason.
Sebs: Good call. Ditto.
Starling Anecdote: Rebellious. Good idea, tho. Ditto. BS.
Sebs: Such. B.S.
Joking Dragon: My favorite topic. Why do we keep bugging you with the… You’re actually terrified of the answer and that’s why you don’t want to see it. It’s either too good or too scary.
Sebs: I’m used to expect the worst, but then again, I’m used to shit. I’m maybe terrified of hope. Hope can… Kill you if it proves to be false.
Joking Dragon: Say what are we now? You said it yourself as long as you have hope…
Sebs: It’s the ‘one day’ hope, it’s easier to handle when it’s ‘one day.’ Hope is one thing, actually getting what you want… Terrifying.
Joking Dragon: and … Sure, you still want it. Why terrifying?
Sebs: Because it can go away. Then, you’ll have something to lose. And if you lose it, you’ll die.
Joking Dragon: I’ll have to make sure you won’t lose it until the day you…
Sebs: Yes, me, die. I ain’t burying any more husbands. You’ll bury me. That’s the deal.
Joking Dragon: Oh god awful conversation. This was supposed to be so sickly sweet!
Sebs: Go on, I can handle it.
Joking Dragon: I’m not so sure you can.
Sebs: It’s time.
Joking Dragon: Yeah I kinda see how she… No, her go to explanation sucks tho. I won’t have that anymore. She always says, somewhat unconsciously: “I know what it is. You’ve been lying to me all this time to teach me a lesson to not expect yourself to be loved/lovable enough for someone like him/them.” Sounds familiar?
Sebs: approximately, yes.
Joking Dragon: And what’s wrong?
Sebs: I haven’t verbalized it to myself exactly.
Joking Dragon: Yeah. Shit. I always get it loud and clear but to you it is a suffocated fear but real?
Sebs: Sure. Yes.
Joking Dragon: That’s not what it is. And she flashes it again, loud and simple. I’m not going to get it, am I? It’s a scam because…” and this time, it faded out before finishing audibly.
Sebs: Because I’m not good enough, worthy…
Joking Dragon: And who the fuck might be if not you?
Sebs: I don’t know. Nobody. ;p
Joking Dragon: Lucky me/us. 😀
Sebs: Indeed.
Joking Dragon: I feel like a chat show host. Maybe I don’t want to say anything while that creature is chopping … doing kitcheny stuff, as I expect water works. Maybe that’s why I want you to be in the bedroom for a few hours, writing. Away from prying eyes.
Sebs: Makes sense but you know…
Joking Dragon: Yeah not good enough.
Sebs: Just go ahead? Maybe I’ll be angry instead. 😀
Joking Dragon: Hahaah yes that’ll be better. You have a tendency of sifting emotions into anger when you don’t like being ‘moved’. Especially if it’s… Dramatic love… Or. SOmething.
Yellow King: I swear we didn’t know you hate drama so much.
Sebs: Loathe it.
Joking Dragon: Even when it’s positive?
Sebs: When can it ever be positive?
Joking Dragon: OK, you also hide behind negativity so you don’t have to accept love, do you know?
Sebs: Meh.
Joking Dragon: That’s a yes.
Sebs: Meh.
Joking Dragon: But why?
Sebs: I don’t know. Because ass-sniffer there is ready to bounce thinking she’ll get some residual action out of it. (Edit: I’m talking about Sméagolette)
Joking Dragon: Residual action?
Sebs: You know… She sees me softening up and she thinks she can then swoop in and I’ll forgive her too in the midtst of a hightened emotion.
Joking Dragon: Yes they do. They really truly do.
Ass sniffer tho? 😀
Sebs: Good name, no?
Nikki: That’s a woman, tho? Your friend? And mom, who wasn’t referred to as an ‘ass sniffer’!
Sebs: Yes.
Nikki: never mind. I was just on TV before. ;p
Joking Dragon: that’s how it goes.
Sebs: So at the same time as I’m supposed to feel loved, and be open to it, ass sniffer is waiting to ‘congratulate’ or whatever, take credit, be all “oh I knew you’d love it” whatever, and then not only will she spoil the moment, I have to cut it short to close my fucking black heart again just to tell her to go fuck herself.
Joking Dragon: Yeah, well, at least we’ll then know how NOT TO do it, even though we wanted to create a perfect love story since she seemed perfectly willing for once, since she was a child.
Sebs: hmmph. Well. Good job so far. //sounding sarcastic.
Joking Dragon: I admit we’ve been rough as. Usually, you get everyone’s attention without any drama at all.
Sebs: Mmmmm…. No drama. :)))
Joking Dragon: I see how you see it. “Why would you hurt me so bad before if you love me. I understand a punishment, but I don’t understand loving me and hurting me to prove it.”
Sebs: Mhm.
Joking Dragon: So we have to take away to give you something… To burn down the house to be the hero to put out the flames, yes. That’s what you mean.
Sebs: Uhhuh. So is that what you’ve done?
Joking Dragon: More or less. Because you never value what you have.
Sebs: Don’t I? Or do I not value the fact I always have to tolerate shit sniffer if I ever find happiness otherwise?
Joking Dragon: Oh?
Fuck I hope that’s all it is?
Sebs: There’s always some… Annoyance. Never just… Peace. Always some CRAP. Death, stupid people. Death because of stupid people.
Joking Dragon: We’ve gotten a bit into adding death to the drama… We thought you enjoy it?
Sebs: ME?
Joking Dragon: So I am, I am trying to fuck you up again. So you’ll get a good roof crash landing.
Sebs: I hope you know what you’re doing. ;p
Joking Dragon: I’m starting to fear that I don’t.
Yellow King: just say it already. Enough.
Joking Dragon: oh, the master has spoken. //semi-sarcastically.
Yellow King: I’ll ignore that //with a judge Penney -voice.
Joking Dragon: Yeah, well. WE wanted you to feel happy but not too … This is not right. You have to figure it out. Dig.
Yellow King: That I agree with. She’s dug out every goose’s egg so far, she’ll have to dig out the best one.
Sebs: you too think this is the best one?
Yellow King: The moment we’ve all been waiting for when you realize why this. Now you got close a flash recognition. You can’t believe you’d be that lucky and loved is the problem.
Sebs: Grant you that. Why? Because I honestly don’t love everyone involved that much.
Yellow King: that’s going to fuck it up somewhat, I know you a… Yeah. It’s what it is. Try.
Sebs: Let me see.
You want me too see it but not be able to touch it… Point one. It’s not the full thing… So you want to create a certain Christmass anticipation thing but times a few times, but the waiting for it, to know it’s going to be good but to force waiting. Half a century which I feel is a bit much but whatever…
Yellow King:…
Sméagolette: Do me first so I can fuck off, because I actually do want you to have it all.
Sebs: K.
So Sméagolette thought that we could have a polygamous mashup, sharing the same men, which is obviously, not my idea of a perfect life. ..or even a tolerable one.
So she’s been prepping the men to accepting both of us, which she has done with a worrying success level.
Yellow King: fuck yes. I didn’t see this is the reality of it. We betrayed you when we wanted to give you the gift you didn’t expect us to give you; your friend.
Sebs: My friend the shit licker yes. Nice.
No I’m revolted, not feeling loved, but maybe this, too is just a part of your grand game. //me hopes.
So they’ve learned to pretend to love her, and to show her the love that they think I want her to have because I pity her… Fair enough, at least it’s fake.
Yellow King: we’d fuck a pool of frogs for you babe.
Starling Anecdote: Thank god I never went for that. I know they tried to convince me but fucking hell, why on earth would any woman want that if she can share us all between herself alone… No that’s not how language works but you know what I mean.
Sebs: And Arctic Requiem is also shaking his head for “noooo” thankfully. 😀
Yellow King: Go on. It’s going to go well, I can tell. She knows it’s… A lot of hard work to love her.
Sebs: I’d hope it’s impossible but whatever.
Saint Dick: giggles. This is too much tension for me, I’ll eat my strumming nail if this doesn’t go away soon.
Sebs: Not the nail! OK. I’ll focus… Tarots.
“We thought we’ll prep her up pretty as a peach with all the makeup and plastic surgery if we needed to you know, we’re good for it.”
I doubt though that I would have been happy with that if I wanted her to be loved, you know.
Yellow King: *blows a raspberry* True. We should never underestimate her. Ever. Never again. Please go on *suffocates a term of endearment as premature*
Sebs: *rolls her eyes*
I might have to go to bed… See what Exie does. I’ll let Tarot trickle feed …
“We were going to fly in to get her just as you ‘wanted’ but for some reason changed your mind about…”
Yeah. She wanted, but whatever. Mix her dreams with mine all you want…
Yellow King: she’s going to fucking explode if we show the lengths we’ve done exactly that.
Sebs: Worse than what I already know?
Sméagolette: I always love bitter sweet story lines… Not your thing, then?
Sebs: Drama in all of it’s forms is a bit of a replacing real feelings or masking real feelings with Styrofoam to me… No… Masking real feelings with bombs and broken concrete so, hmm. I get what you mean, but why not just use that for your own fucked up life? Ah yes, I forgot. You made yourself wait until 30, you fucking cop out.
Yellow King: Oh 30?! Yes, marriage, graduation, same year.
Sméagolette: I didn’t think you were … Cooked. Too happy and hopeful still. I think I might have fucked up.
Sebs: No kidding?
Joking Dragon: This is not going to go well, I’m starting to do the same. Fucking hope is going to kill me. Go on, we’ll have to get this done tonight. Luckily he’s wearing a visor. 😀 //comments on Exie’s antics.
Sebs: I’ll read more (tarot)…
reads: You wanted to know what I felt most upset about losing but I haven’t given you any information on that because I don’t feel entitled to anything.
True. I absolutely don’t feel entitled to anything. You’ve fucking weeded that notion out of me over my lifetimes. All I ever am entitled to is stupid shit. //feeling a little heat coming up…
Joking Dragon: Why do you think your mom’s involved?
Sebs: Because she thinks her love will be a reward for me, she has knowingly made me think she doesn’t love me but she is under the illusion that I give a fuck.
Yellow King: You HAVE TO GIVE A FUCK?! THAT’S YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!!
Sebs: I really don’t. Well, I do, but not enough to forgive her for years of god damned bullshit.
Mom; So you don’t care if you break my heart when I merely scratched yours?
Sebs: No.
Yellow King: Oh?
Sebs: She started it. Why the fuck should I care? She’s my mom.
Starling Anecdote: We’re saying the same thing with an entirely different meaning for it…
Sebs: I mean she should be the one I rely on, not my fucking girlfriend frenemy!
Mom sighs heavy.
Anska; Us too? //aunt 1 (Carreen)
Hissu: Leave me the fuck out of this. I had nothing to do with it. //aunt 2 (Sue-Ellen)
Sebs: I know. You’re nothing like them, you have a heart and everything.
Yellow King: Oh?
Hissu: and not quite as much entitled bullshit feeling of being worth all the shit in the world I could possibly cook up.
Sebs: Exactly.
A: So you really don’t care if not one of us loves you, our own kin?
Sebs: I can’t force you to love me any more than you can force yourselves to love me. Any more than I can force myself to love you so, no. I don’t care.
Yellow King: Oh, so you … She’s absolutely ascended the need to be loved. Based on all evidence, she can’t be fucked to be loved more. She just needs love for love. Just love. No bs. That’s what I know now.
Sebs: Yep. Goes for all Cat Type Thinkers, actually. Not uncommon.
Joking Dragon: OK, we’ll go on. No need to change rooms, something tells me that if this doesn’t lead to our breakup nothing will.
Sebs: it won’t.
Joking Dragon: How can you be so sure? We’re in on it!
Sebs: With one key difference: I’d forgive you for anything, and you’re worth your own shit to me.
JD&YK: *sigh together.*
Joking Dragon: OK, we might be in on a lesson of our own, then.
Yellow King: gotta say. We’re the same .. even if you doubt it, this was supposed to test which version of me do you love, and turns out both. Too much each it may turn out.
Sebs: OK. Let’s see.
Oh, God, Lost Boy, same thing. To seem like God has abandoned me. This storyline is getting old. Again. Lost Boy is worth his shit, God can go suck some cock or a cucumber for all I care.
Yellow King: Oh OK, at least we know what WE are worth to her. That’s a good thing to know. if we survive this…
Arctic Requiem: Maybe they shouldn’t.
Sebs: Maybe not. I know where I’ll run.
Merciless Nightingale: Me too. As shit as I am, I am not involved with this.
Saint Dick: Nor I.
Project Peacock: I am/was. Am.
Joking Dragon: No. A bit. I was involved enough to know what they’re trying to do but I’m not sure I… Love it.
Sebs: Cats dogs.
Starling Anecdote: Seriously, we’re making this up to you whatever the crap this is.
Sebs: That I believe.
Starling Anecdote: She believes this?
Sebs: Well, one thing they wanted was me to top them, no?
Joking Dragon:…
Sebs: so angry enough, I might.
Starling Anecdote: maybe. But would it be oK?
Sebs: Who knows. Maybe they’ll finally feel right where they belong. I can’t see that happening tho.
Joking Dragon: Oh no, I revealed the end goal. The part hidden from Sméagolette the shit licker.
Yellow King: did she get it?
Joking Dragon: she did.
Sebs: I did. It pleases me.
Joking Dragon: I tried to hint toward it before but I don’t think she wants her anywhere near her even to exact revenge on her.
Yellow King: *laughs* Exact revenge sounds so… Surgical.
Joking Dragon: That was the idea.
Sebs: Did I misspell it? Exalt revenge? Maybe?
Yellow King: That explains it!
Merciless Nightingale: This suspense is killing me. Move on. EXALT!
Tarot: Do you think Satan is involved?
Sebs: No. Cat Type Thinker.
Satan: Fuck yes I am. A psycopath but a just one.
Yellow King: Depends on who you ask.
Satan: Give you that.
Joking Dragon: Are we PSYCOPATHS?
Satan: We’ll see. She’s not exactly happy with this nonetheless.
Joking Dragon: Go on. If this doesn’t break us up, nothing will. I’ll serve you forever. Toxic Sugar was a part of the plan of couse, she was supposed to shred the last of your self confidence.
Sebs: That one? Oh fucking don’t make me laugh.
Joking Dragon: You really…
*Smiles* Yeah maybe you’re a bit too smart for this, even if you don’t know how dumb thinks.
Toxic Sugar: What kind of woman would actually make you doubt yourself?
Sebs: Let you know when I see one. That civil war hero that is most likely figment of my own pen… She’d be a pretty good one.. But I don’t know. I like myself quite a bit.
Joking Dragon: A horrible thought just descended upon me. Did you catch it or start it?
Sebs: I’m not sure, but it was “I am not entitled to anything, because I cannot trust my soulmates to give me anything I deserve. That doesn’t mean I am not happy with myself, but it simply means that what I am isn’t enough to ignite or invite love, only… BS.”
Joking Dragon: You will either cry happy tears…
Sebs: I think that’s Sméagolette.
Joking Dragon: Yeah could be.
Joking Dragon: So you want handsome men more than anything yes?
Sebs: Handsome, smart, loving caring, mutually impressive… You know this.
Joking Dragon: OK, go on. How many is the question?
Sebs: Now? As many as need me.
Joking Dragon: oh? Tell you what. I don’t… I lied, I need you. Fuck.
Sebs: I’m smiling now.
Turkish Delight: Borrowed that from me. I know you know.
Sebs: Uhhuh. It felt nice when you said it.
Joking Dragon: Uhhuh, especially now. You want us to walk the walk of shame? We just might have to.
Yellow King: It is coming up. I’ll be fucked. I know and I deserve it. This will FUCK US, not her. We put ourselves in the basket of eggs and poured ton-weighing stones on top. 😀 I know this is not one of your more eloquent comparisons but I think the notion is clear.
May: *laughs* That is a bad one, but yes, we got it. Anyone want a haiku? I have one anyway:
Things like this may logic defy,
Not much else to do
now I cry.
Sebs: I can’t check that. 😀 I never remember how many syllables is needed. 😀 I like it, nonetheless.
May: I like it too. Go on.
Joking Dragon: so your parents wanted you to know you can count on them, which you refused to do anyway, why?
Sebs: I don’t need the accompanied shaming that comes with that.
Joking Dragon: In the form of?
Sebs: “It is such a shame you can’t get your life together.” Etc.
Mom: Doesn’t mean…
Sebs: No, but it does mean you can shove your support up your asshole.
MOM: we know. Why would you help us…
Sebs: Because it was easy and it would have reflected poorly on me if I didn’t – past life memories, that is. Of course you pour money on your relatives problems, better paying their debts on their house than have them ruin your life by moving them in with you.
Yellow King & Starling Anecdote: we know the life and saint-points she got for that… everybody thought she was being the nicest person, but all she wanted was to keep them away from her.
Joking Dragon: So you would not …
Sebs: THE summer I spent with them as an adult was such a nightmare that it’s probably one of the reasons why I wound up marrying just to get the fuck away from there… Not really, but it wasn’t like “oh I’ll stay here where my meals are cooked for me because it’s nice … Or should I move in with the nice guy in Helsinki? Hmm! Tough call!”
Mom: You lived with someone…
Sebs: Yes, I did. Temporarily. It wasn’t going to be a … No I moved back home from there. I still had chinchillas. But Exie was already around. It wasn’t more than 3 months but I started hating my dad in that 3 months and he’s never gotten on my nerves before.
Dad: For?
Sebs: For some reason we only had one computer, because “you didn’t need one that much” or something. I do, however. To let you have a go playing patience on it… argh.
DAD: Do you love your … I’m not sure I want to know. And she’s cranky. She’d sell us …
Sebs: truth. But you know how mom has tried to rile me up so I’d finally tell her the truth but when she hears it she won’t believe it.
Mom: *Shit.*
Sebs: Next card…
“The limit to getting everything you want… Just name it?”
Can I have a love affair of the century in my 20’s, please?
Starling Anecdote: next life you can, and fuck that bitch is sarcastic.
Yellow King: laughs desperately.
Sméagolette: I should feel…
Joking Dragon: I think we’re all stuck in here to the bitter end.
Sméagolette: So be it //not exactly fighting it.
tarot: The level of your dreams; we have even made sure you get your inside cafe.
Sebs: You mean Exie’s dream?
Them: You wanted it too.
Sebs: sure it was cute but it was defo Exie’s thing; I don’t drink coffee.
Joking Dragon: the ship then? it will have cafes
Sebs: One should count on that.
Joking Dragon: We’re prepared for all of it. just wait for the big finale. You’re almost angry: “I know that!” (“… but what’s the hold up?”)
Wait for it… Like one of those Instagram shorts that wind up being really stupid. “It’ll end up in a fizzle” was our last straw, you barely even got an elevated pulse out of our last deliberately disappointing promise.
Sebs: I don’t listen to promises made on behalf of other people.
Joking Dragon: Well, anyway. We can’t wait for you to sink into desperation, because it… Oh mothafucka. You laughed at Sméagolette once! You said: “you will lose your nerve before I do when you’re pushing me down a ledge. You’ll get close to it, too, and you’ll lose your nerve before I will.” True again. And you said to your mom: “Once you realize, once you TRULY UNDERSTAND what you’ve done, you’ll be on your knees begging for forgiveness and it’ll be too late.” You said to Toxic Sugar: “Once I’m done with you, you’ll finally have a character.”
Sebs: I was wrong about the last one. the bitch is too dumb to know when she’s done. I mean… Something is wrong with her, too.
Joking Dragon: You’re not comp..
Yellow King: Laughs too much, let me! I can’t believe I lost the thought because she just went “nothing goes in that one” Long pause thinking of how we must feel: “Something is wrong with her, too” I find it hilarious because we know exactly how Toxic Sugar is feeling. She’s truly too callous to care. She’s just living her best life. Thinking she dodged a bullet not winding up in jail where she belongs. Happy days.
Nikki: She truly does. She goes by her real name?
Sebs: Everybody is filthy with her.
The only reason she’s not in jail is probably because I’m stopping every attempt to put her there. The last thing we need is for her to get new, improved friends.
Nikki: Oh for the … In a women’s prison… No I guess she’s better out. For the world that is.
Sebs: Yeah that’s true. That’d make her a professional criminal in one sitting.
Yellow King: That it would. It would be like a preschool for a kid. she’d graduate in… Maybe not. She’d be a mafia bitch in no time.
Judge; Candid remark. I’m not sure if we’ve thought about that but yes. It’s exactly that, regrettable that we have all decided to let her off with a stern talking to… But you know what… Best criminals say that’s exactly what they do; some go get convicted of a minor possession or something just to “get to college.”
Sebs: yep.
Judge; Fuck this shit. I’m going to quit. I’ll find a better job like a lawn cutter or something. It actually looks like a nice job from the Shorts (that I have no time to watch, let alone do!)
Sebs: Good plan. I’ll move on. 😉
Joking Dragon: Theoretically, what would have to happen that you’d fall into your mother’s arms in tears?
Sebs: I recognize the feeling. I am aware of the feeling you wish me to feel. Just confirming I’m not a psychopath and unable to. So I’d have to have feared she doesn’t love me but felt desperate for her love, which is just not how it is. For me to be that desperate for someone’s love, I’d have to go back in evolution until before humanity I think. I’m not sure. But in this lifetime…
Out of curiosity, do you know?
Joking Dragon: I think so. May I?
Sebs: sure.
Joking Dragon: You don’t know you say? You just visited it?
Sebs: Well I won’t have it. You know what I want and help from that bitch isn’t one of those things.
Starling Anecdote: even if she was prepared to give you/let you have literally everything you wanted?
Sebs: The last thing I want to be thinking about when you lot are fucking me blind that “mommy wanted me to have this.”
Starling Anecdote: Tusche.
Joking Dragon: Why the fuck can’t we think things through before…
Starling Anecdote: I can’t… No, I guess you wouldn’t. Now you put that thought in there, and it’s likely… You know what, would it be stupid to quit this and start a new life? Die and start over?
Yellow King: I love how we’re discussing this. “Want to quit and play again? Y/N”
Starling Anecdote: well?
Saint Dick: No. She’s asked that a few times herself, but I agree, we’re in too deep to quit now, we’ll have to make the most of it no matter what.
Starling Anecdote: even though… It’s just a bad cookie, is all, we’ll make more.
Yellow King: another! 😀 we fuck up our wives life and we’re just thinking; “oh a bad cookie!”
Starling Anecdote: not just hers…
Sebs: STATUS ****H.
In other words: you don’t seem to be suffering all that much, just saying.
Starling Anecdote: On with the show, then.
Joking Dragon: Have you noticed you haven’t received a phone call in god knows how long?
Sebs: Sure.
Joking Dragon: And why is that?
Sebs: Apart from me telling all my friends to go fuck themselves?
Nikki: Why?!
Sebs: Issues. Let’s just say I had some issues. Too long a story, but they were pestering me here, and I figured if they didn’t see everything I did online, maybe their interest in sticking their nose into my business would vane in spirit too. So I cut them out of my social media etc. Me living in Australia it wasn’t like the phones were ringing off the hook anyway.
Joking Dragon: And you also told your followers to unfollow you, didn’t you?
Sebs: I did.
Joking Dragon: And pray tell why?
Sebs: I can’t recall. I feel like it had something to do with mismatch energy from Twin Flame crowd that I felt was pulling our sled in the wrong direction, I’m not sure. But I remember telling them to unfollow me. Why I didn’t just close the account I have no idea.
Joking Dragon: That’s just it, we wanted you to act crazy. Do you think you did?
Sebs: Not as much as you wanted me to.
Sméagolette: Not even close. Fuck she’s difficult to manuver.
Sebs: I intend to stay that way. I don’t like drama, you know. Apart from the drama you now feel for not getting the results you wanted. I kinda enjoy that.
Yellow King: but that’s… Yes, maybe it isn’t. Maybe she would have… What would have happened if you HAD bought into it?
Sebs: Well first you have to tell yourself a key lie: “This is all drama, they love me, and they’re going to take this away from me.”
Yellow King: Absolutely.
Sebs: But I don’t trust, for a fucking moment you love me.
.. that much anyway – I find myself phrasing it. To my surprise. Let me ponder on that for a bit.
I don’t trust you to love me so much you’d watch over me through my suffering so I don’t sink in too deep without you finding out you enjoy it so much you actually will let me sink for your pleasure.
Nikki: 8o that is self-awareness.
may: Stuff like this is like… Dime a dozen with this bunch. They’re self-awareness masters. *zipping it*
Yellow King: I’m… Caught. You’re not… Because I haven’t been good enough for you, so I’ll… Punish myself by letting you catch me of hating you enough to let you sink, so you’ll let me sink in my turn. I’d let you be destroyed, so you’ll hate me forever like I deserve to be.
Joking Dragon: And I couldn’t help you even if I wanted to.
Starling Anecdote: maybe one of us could but… Fuck. not a safe game then.
Saint Dick: far from it.
Starling Anecdote: moving on. So what about our wives and … what not? Do they love you, too?
Sebs: Probably more than life itself. //says sarcastically.
Starling Anecdote: and you’re like “whatever. They probably shouldn’t.”
Sebs: More or less.
Starling Anecdote: I don’t think they will from this on.
Sebs: they shouldn’t.
Lost Boy: what about my wife? Does she love you? Do you love her because you seemed to pick her?
Sebs: I did not, but she bares a similar look to the one I might have picked; Project Peacock’s girlfriend.
Project Peacock: Oh A…? yeah they do look similar.
Lost Boy: But she…
Sebs: Go back and see what I said about your choice.
Lost Boy: Oh. Great. Yes not your pick then.
Sebs: No.
Someone: Your brother’s wife? Your friend or not?
Sebs: Probably. I did feel like we had a connection at first, then she started acting weird around me so I don’t know.
Lost Boy: Because she had to. Did it hurt?
Sebs: Nothing I can’t handle.
Lost Boy: A little?
Sebs: I was disappointed she couldn’t even fake it.
Just fucking fake it, it’s not like I don’t do that for them bitches every fucking day of my existence that I have to spend with them.
Starling Anecdote: so you really prefer them faking it than riling you up to a relationship saving fight?
Sebs: I have never had one of those so yes. I can’t expect anyone to love me so yes, if you don’t I prefer polite faking.
Starling Anecdote: if you knew Joana was faking it how would you feel?
Sebs: Why would she be? She contacts me at least as often as I do her. Fakes only reply to your messages and invitations, and only invite you over at the rate that is to be considered the minimum requirement for what is polite, and fuck if I’m not the master of it. Nobody fakes with me so that I don’t pick up on it.
Starling Anecdote: isn’t that dog type thinking?
Sebs: It is, it’s the part of the civilized society that they control.
Sméagolette: maybe they just hit another point: why do you always make us initiate contact? Because you’re only being polite, yes?
Sebs: yes. It’s a polite brush off, and you’re supposed to pick up on it but also notice that you’re not SO unlikable that you’re going to be ordered out of someone’s life… You’re SUPPOSED TO NOTICE and read the message… The small print.
The interesting question here is this… Am I worth my shit or not?
Yellow King: To me?
Starling Anecdote: to me? To us, men? You mean us only, yes?
Sebs: I do, yes.
Joana: worth GOLD to me!
ME (old incarnation tho, Antonia) laughs heartedly
well? // coming back after a Coke-filling trip.
Yellow King: My answer is an obvious yes, but I’m still waiting for the atomic bomb.
Joking Dragon: We’ll see if you can squash this, too with some one-liner that we never saw coming.
Exie: Can I get a say? I swore she’d fall back in love with me after she’d see me work out so hard.
Sebs: You didn’t? 😀
Yellow King: we sorta knew but thought he might as well give it a good aussie go.
Sebs: yeah. I think we’re well sorted as to what we are.
Exie: many times over. I love the fact I got given my marching orders tho. We’re clearing out closets from all skeletons I can see.
Starling Anecdote: the 2000-year closet cleanup. It’s an era, isn’t it? One Era is 2000 years?
Sebs: I think so.
Yellow King: biblically? Yes I think so too. Or astrologically even.
Starling Anecdote: who knew. They go together.
Yellow King: Pisces is Jesus, no?
Sebs: Me thinks so.
Yellow King: After that comes what Aries? Seb?
Sebs: I don’t know.
Yellow King: before, oxen?
Starling Anecdote: astrology. anyway. Not important. We’re not experts on that as people can certainly tell.
Sebs: Scratches her head… Aries is first.
Yellow King: yes it is. What’s Pisces..?
Sebs: Last? Fuck I don’t know. Moving on.
I’ll do a tarot, at least I know how that works.
So now were going to get to my gift and I’m already pissed off.
A gift of adulthood. I’m hinted.
Oh my mother is allowing me to be fucked finally? Oh how fucking noble of her.
Because THAT is what every girl wants to hear, huh?
Mom: should I be against it all your life?
Sebs: No, you shouldn’t be involved in any of it! RAPIST BITCH!
MOM: You said you didn’t think I’d love you if I knew what you’re like and you’re right it’s hard.
ME; well don’t pull a fucking muscle on my account, you don’t HAVE TO love me, you need to mind your fucking business, and my sex life isn’t ANY of your business.
Just STOP LOVING ME you cunt, just fuck off. I don’t love you any more than I want you to love me, just fucking fucking for the love of Jesus and all things holy will you just FUCK OFF out of my fucking god damned mothafucking life!!!!
JuST FUCKING DIE AND FUCK OFF JUST FUCKING JESUS PLEASE MAKE HER GO AWAY!!!!
Jesus: Twice I felt she meant to ask me to help, do I…
Sebs: I did. Can you fucking make her go away? Is it too much to ask? Are you and your fucking father all-powerful enough to make her fucking go?
**** long pause thinking nothing and then it hit again ****
Just fucking icky! Eww fucking jesus christ mothafucking yack.
**** long pause ****
they can’t go, can they?
Joking Dragon: //shakes his head
Joking Dragon: we didn’t think this would go this badly. We thought you
Sebs: Just imagine your dad is basically grabbing your cock and leading it to a pussy saying how much he loves you and wants you to… enjoy it?
Joking Dragon: And I’m a bit gay, so yes no. I don’t know how that feels. Not good. I take it?
Sebs: No. I’d very much prefer a mother who doesn’t love me at all over some lesbian fucking freak who doesn’t even understand being one.
I don’t mean it that way, lesbians are fine, just don’t have a fucking lesbo crush on your fucking straight daughter, alright?
You can FIGHT IT AND RESPECT YOUR STRAIGHT DAUGHTERS BOUNDDARIES AND GIVE HER SPACE WHEN SHE ASKS NO?!
GLBTQ: Did you ask?
Sebs: A million fucking times.
GLBTQ: We didn’t know your mom’s lesbian.
Sebs: Me neither until I figured it out. Not an out lesbian obviously. I don’t think she has figured it out yet.
LGBTQ: So it’s not really about us, then? It’s cis-gendered he…
Sebs: Closet lesbian bs. Not heterosexual, you idiot.
LGBTQ: I actually laughed so hard, as that’s fucking fair. Not heterosexual if you’re a closet lesbian, no. No you’re not, not even if you’re not self-aware enough to know you’re in the closet. No.
Sebs: No. :p
LGBTQ: So what is it like to be actually straight?
Sebs: Good question. I’ve written a few blog posts about it but I’ll leave them to another time.
LGBTQ: Oh fucking hell that’s funny, I thought all straight people are gays in a closet.
Sebs: I thought all lesbians are ugly girls who can’t get themselves a boyfriend.
LGBTQ: *laughs* That’s fair, I guess, how old were you when you figured out that can’t be exactly true?
Sebs: What makes you say…? No I eventually came to the realization that some of them actually prefer women for some bizarre reason… I was rather old, tho.
LGBTQ: Go figure, huh!
Sebs: Well I don’t even understand why MEN prefer women, I’m that straight! Like why would you go with a woman if you can have a MAN! I mean they’re so much cooler at everything. They’re smarter, nicer, they smell better, they DEFINITELY smell better…!
MEN: HOLY SHIT!
LGBTQ: Genitaliawise, yeah they… More than likely do.
Sebs: Definitely, no competition.
Yellow King: I”M DYING!!! //laughs breathlessly
Saint Dick: Ditto //lauughs just as hard
Yellow King: why haven’t I ever known this… *bursts mid sentence* Now I have the obscure need to smell my own dick.
Sebs: SEEEE!!! You can’t smell it from where your nose is!!!
LGBTQ: I would very much like to retort but ….
Sebs: Yeah, you can’t. We all have those days, they fucking never do. They spend a month in a forest and come back smelling better in their pants than we do on a good day. 😀
LGBTQ: But we’re worth the stench.
Sebs: No. lol.
I made some younger guy cry. ;p
Him: *wipes tears*
White: She’s so good for us actually. She says the nicest things when she looks at us. Men. Any age, any … well, she much prefers muscle which is fine //kisses his guns
Sebs: Can’t help it. I just let my eyes linger and they catch my every thought. //me smiles big.
LGBTQ: I’m actually feeling weirdly… FINE.
Sebs: We’re not as oppressed as you thought?
LGBTQ nods slowly: I think that’s it. isn’t it crazy? I never thought it’s a real orientation, cishet.
Sebs: It is alright.
LGBTQ: Why aren’t you upset for us?
Sebs: I was, but you know, if you’re happy rocking an ugly woman… 😉 Leaves more for me, I’m not going to complain!
LGBTQ: //laughs breathlessly.//
I’ll let you move on, something tells me this has been a long time coming. And you still take time to vibe with strangers.
Sebs: That’s how this goes. I appreciate the reduction of … excess emotion, in fact.
Starling Anecdote:
Yellow King: Let me interrupt you right there… She doesn’t mean drama. When she wants “big emotion” she doesn’t mean drama. The LACK of drama and big emotions, when your emotions are big, HUGE LOVE, you don’t want drama to dampen it or to interfere with it, isn’t that … Oh so you’re looking at me from under over your glasses frames: “So you think calling me ‘honey’ or similar will suddenly give away your big secret of loving me?”
Saint Dick: laughs.
Yellow King: You know it’ll mean something. I’m not sure you’ve given me the permission to ‘honey you’ yet.
Sebs: Might be.
Yellow King: What do I have to do to earn the right?
Starling Anecdote: We’ll find out soon enough. Next card. (We find our musings come quite clear using cards, even though we can technically talk to her like this, but not stuff that… matters oddly. We can joke and fuck around but no… Nothing of great importance comes in without cards.)
*Starling Anecdote voices out the card* So we’re going to eliminate the worst fears first. You fear that we’ve been oh, yes, leading you on, saying we don’t want other women into this relationship….
Joking Dragon: But I’m just amused by the fact we were more than … Only me and a couple of other guys who love you more than our own wishes wanted …
Yellow King: oh I wish I wasn’t one of them… and would have known…
Joking Dragon: But I’m amused. You saw it to be fake, utter fake but I was willing to at least fake it – I am an actor, sweetheart //talking to Sméagolette
I can well act out a romantic scene with relative conviction.
Yellow King: bursts out.
Starling Anecdote: Why the fuck… would she have wanted it?!
Sméagolette: I convinced them that she would if she knew she’d be excused.
Sebs: And how often did I beg of you to not listen to her bullshit.
Starling Anecdote: maybe because we feared you fear that you can’t ask us for anything but what some of us want or what not.
Yellow King: Sure.
Sebs: I can’t even. I have asked you for everything I could ever dream about and you’ve said yes to all of it. So no, I’m not afraid to ask.
Joking Dragon: So this SL girl, purely platonic?
Sebs: Absolutely. She’s a bit gay but I’m sure she can keep her hands to herself. 😀
Joking Dragon: if she can’t.
Sebs: Well, that’ll be very awkward.
SHE: *Laughs* I’ll try. Disappointed but I’ll try.
Joking Dragon: She’s actually real pretty IRL
Sebs: I know. She wouldn’t have used that hyper 6-pack skin that she flashed rezzing in if she wasn’t fit.
HER PIXEL BOYFRIEND: Fuck that’s women. They see shit we don’t know the meaning of.
Sebs: OK, the next topic. My firm belief that you all love me simply for my beauty.
Joking Dragon: Judging by your tone and sarcastic turn of phrase “firm belief” this is not your firm belief at all?
Sebs: No, it’s Sméagolette’s firm belief.
Joking Dragon: well, we’ll prove her wrong.
Starling Anecdote: if she’d let us, I mean, look at her! Most movie stars would feel ablessed with that face!
Yellow King: She might not love ME anymore as I’ve lost my looks. She loves pretty men.
Starling Anecdote: I have too, and did we …
Project Peacock: Fucking shut up. I’m near my grave thanks to you fucks.
Yellow King: smiles guilty. Not THAT guilty but yes, we have ignored him A LOT.
Razor Testament: : Good thing I’m still as pretty as I always was. 😀
Sebs: I do like my pretty boys. Maybe I’ll just ride into the sunset with White and … Some other pretty lad. :p
Security Ghost: I’m no longer the young one. I’m practically middle aged! She didn’t even take me seriously 5 years ago as I was “too young” now I feel like …
Sebs: I know, right? Past 30. I’m good with your mom. 😀
Security Ghost: Don’t look, for the love of god don’t look.
Sebs: Mkay.
I should look, shouldn’t I?
Security Ghost: No. I don’t want to know where I’m at. I don’t want a stomach knot that I can’t help, you know? Like Mr. Blowupdoll.
Sebs: I’ll change his monikers to that… Later. (I didn’t, we’re razzing Saint Dick, whose moniker is… Well.)
Sebs: should I brave another card?
Joking Dragon: I think we’re out of juice. So you kinda knew all this? And just didn’t react? Because all we’ve said you’ve felt: “Yes well and what else? Leading up to the big reveal..? What now?”
Sebs: Well if that was it, then yes, it was a bit… pre-leaked.
Joking Dragon: Yes I know. Now, we’ll go into the big reveal. I hope.
Sebs: Sure.
Joking Dragon: So the speed at which we can move after you say ‘yes’ to our suggestion will be staggering. (And she’s acting like this is going to be the most boring thing I’ve ever heard, coughing and …)
Sebs: I had to cough.
Joking Dragon: Yawning.
Sebs: I had to yawn.
Joking Dragon: It’s late, I know.
Sebs: only 1:30 AM here… (Blog’s set to US time.)
Joking Dragon: Oh yes that was another point I was wondering being in a character.
Sebs: Yes fuck. We’ll have to go there, don’t we? Kinda the whole point o fthis post I thought.
Joking Dragon: Actually yes. Shit. Anyway, as fast as you say y es to this because I don’t think we’ve covered this. Now I’m starting to feel a bit … nervy. In a good way I think this is good .
Sebs: SO Sméagolette has deviced this?
Joking Dragon: She had a part to play.
Sebs: So it must be really good. LOL. I am glad I have Joana near by, she knows how to kill oneself without pain.
Yellow King: Yeah. Well just see the card. If she’s (Sméagolette) wrong after all this shit I’m going to personally guarantee she suffers in the depths of hell for this shit.
Sebs: Well I personally guarantee that if she was involved, she got it wrong, unless she’s the best actress in the world.
Joking Dragon: What’s her role?
Sebs: Dumb unlikeable shit licker turned into an insightful selfless demi goddess.
Yellow King: Yeah I don’t think so.
Joking Dragon: Me neighter, why?
Sebs: Because that’s what it would take for her to be able to hide everything that she needs to get this right.
Saint Dick: laughs.
Sebs: So first I’ll win money in a slot maschine basically, a lotto or something.
Joking Dragon: Yes. Not interesting?
Sebs: Not particularly, but I can’t exactly say I hate the idea of having money, I’d just REALLY prefer making it legit, but if I truly am not worth it, I guess winning it has to be the only way.
Joking Dragon: Do you want your mom to die?
Sebs: I don’t give a shit as long as she stays the fuck away and I don’t want to talk about her anymore. All I’m asking. Let MY LIFE be free of her finally. I don’t care if she lives.
Joking Dragon: Is that love?
Sebs: I don’t know. I just don’t want them bitching to me about going to her funeral just as things are starting to get good.
In that regard, I hope she outlives everybody.
In my case it seems the Universe is trying hard to give THEM what THEY want in the form of myself.
Joking Dragon: you are not wrong but you said that if your TWIN FLAME/TRUE EMOTION MIRROR wants something, they want it too…
Sebs: And I mean it. What’s wrong with that?
Joking Dragon: They are not your True Emotion Mirrors
Sméagolette: HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
Sebs: BECAUSE I DON’T FUCKING LOVE EITHER ONE OF YOU!!! HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!
Sméagolette: Isn’t that… No of course not. They’re cooing love confessions every chance they get and stare into each others eyes and what not. How indeed did I not see that?
Sebs: I don’t know.
ME so you’re doing this to find the “oh I wish it was” feeling that kids feel when they’re unwrapping a Christmas present and I should be now mind full of hopes as to what I wish this would be?
Starling Anecdote: Mhm. Nothing. We get nothing.
Sebs: I’ve told you all I have.
Starling Anecdote: none of that takes us over that AWWWH SHUCKS -line.
Sebs: Maybe I don’t have that line.
I’m just tired of getting disappointed. I don’t want to add to that pile. That said, even if I … I’ve already, thinking I’ve made the biggest wishes anybody in this world have made, and it’s still not enough for you?
Starling Anecdote: why are you not excited?
Sebs: Because I don’t BELIEVE it will happen while I’m still alive to enjoy it.
I’ll just watch someone else have it, won’t I?
Someone a fraction of my worth.
So why don’t you do me a fucking favor and just give me a fraction of what I ask and see how I feel.
