The Desk

Ever since I was a child, I wanted one of these. I felt they were something completely different, they were the sign of prestige, appreciation, professionalism… Being a grown up. I couldn’t get one, because, frankly, nobody makes them, and they were never popular in Finland, to begin with, the closest equivalent had a folding cover on it, and it simply wasn’t the same, so even if mum and dad would have bought  me one, there was none around…

Until a couple of weeks ago I saw one by random at an interior design shop. An old thing locks missing, chipped from the corner… And not a victorian one but a later copy, but who cared, I needed it. I was so excited about it, that the owner said he’d bring it to me free of charge, just give him a few days to get round to it.

This is a past life thing… Antonia wanted one but felt she couldn’t have one, and she felt like she needed to earn it somehow. It meant much more to her than what the desk actually means to anyone else, but that’s always the case with symbols of wealth, power, or prestige, none of them really has any relevance with what you truly are, but… At least I now know what it feels like to feel your life is complete somehow because you own some specific symbol of achievement.

I am crying because of a release of a pain from a past life, and a joy of receiving something in this one. She was giggling in joy as I pulled out items from my drawers that would look good – Victorian enough – on the desk. I kept saying these are just cheap copies and junk, and she didn’t care.

And I feel like it was Antonia’s acceptance that I have done something to deserve it finally – and she found one! Carl never intended it as an insult. He thought she would buy herself a desk if she wanted one, but in her mind, the desk had to be a gift from colleagues to mean something. So, in a sense, although Antonia is me, whose opinion of my work would matter more to me than that of Antonia Wolf’s? The work is still not done, but it is noteworthy as it is, at least it is such, to me.

And I’ve got a desk to prove it.