New People

Obviously, when you’re first born into a family of any wish to make you an upstanding citizen whether you like this plan or not, you want to be… somewhat along the lines of what they wish you were, no matter how painfully aware you are that you’re nothing that they expect of you.

I cannot believe that still, after 40-years of living this life, I feel suffocated and pushed into a box by my mother’s expectations, not by what she says exactly, but the emotional hold that she has on me, and literally her voice in my head expressing her dissatisfaction in me. I can’t blame her, exactly, I am NOTHING that she wishes I was, and I haven’t even scratched the surface of how far off from her expectations I am.  I feel ridiculous complaining about this at 40, but that is partly what everyone counts on – if you can stop a person from becoming what they are by say… 25, from thereon, you can push all complaints and rebellion into the same box: You’re acting juvenile, you are making a fool out of yourself, there is nothing you should be complaining about, back to fold, you’re embarrassing yourself…

And most of us decide to simply give up on themselves and do whatever it is that their family expects of them… Unless they’ve already made a huge run for the border before they hit that magical age of return back to fold if you haven’t made it yet. If you try to be respectful of them and hope in time they’ll accept you for who you are, you’ll find yourself bitterly disappointed. It’s one thing to allow a teenager to go wild and spin out of control, but to let a 40-year old kid spin out of control and make a fool out of the whole family – I mean, this is no longer explainable by hormonal imbalance, this is fucking insanity!

But I am not giving in. Not anymore. Even if it takes the rest of my life to kick a fuss. This is not a passing midlife crisis. And luckily for me, I don’t have kids of my own that will start singing the same song… “You’re embarrassing us, mom…”

I think people think I’m trolling.

I want to find the people who haven’t given up yet. I’ll piss off the rest.