Slutty and sexy are not synonymous
I was shopping with a group of friends and friends of friends, when at the shoe department I was kind of floored. I tried on a pair of very high heels just for the fun of it, and when putting them back I sighed: “Oh I love high heels!” One of the girls in the group replied: “Oh me too, they are so slutty and sexy!” I was a bit disgusted by the notion and objected that slutty and sexy are not the same thing. “They are, if your intentions are the same as mine.” Said the girl, and knowing she meant she intended to sleep with the men she would attract, I said “it’s still not the same thing.” The topic was dropped – and that’s good as I would have gone into a rant mode pretty soon. What do you think? Is sluttiness and sexiness one and the same? Exactly, what is slutty?
Here’s what I think: Acting slutty and acting sexy have one thing in common, and one thing only: Both aim to tempt a man into a sexual intercourse (sooner or later). However, the basis of both is a world apart. Sluttiness comes from low expectations, desperation, self-doubt and most importantly: Lack of being loved. Sexiness comes from high self-esteem, high expectations, giving love and knowing her own worth. Sluttiness is clingy, distasteful, disrespectful of both the man and herself, and offensive (throwing herself at him). Sexiness is about sensuality, poise, respect and temptation (attracting him to her).
Many people seem to think that being a slut is a question of numbers, but it’s simply not true. A girl can be a virgin and still be a slut. She might even save herself for marriage and be a slut. As I said, it’s about desperation and lack of love, need to be loved while being sure that love is something that is not readily available. A slut will use sexuality at a low level in order to tempt a man into loving her – attempting to hold his interest for as long as it takes for him to “get to know the real me and fall in love.” A slut will measure every available man in terms of potential spouse or lover. A slut may flaunt her desire for hot truly sexy men, but when push comes to shove, she’ll settle for most anyone.
On another hand, a sexy girl can have sex with men basically when ever she wants without never appearing slutty. With self-respect comes self-assurance that knows that what I do is not the measure of who I am. A sexy woman is not worried about whether or not the guy will call her afterwards, because that’s not what it’s about. She doesn’t attach unrelated expectations to an event that in itself is pleasurable and valuable to both parties the way it is. To a sexy girl a sexual act is a natural event of sharing pleasure instead a tool to “land a man”. I would go as far as to say that withholding sex until some set time has passed from the first date is a slutty thing to do – it is using sex to trap a man, instead of trusting the man to have enough heart and reason to treat her as a person even after a night in the sack.
Good men, the kind of men all women want, are never attracted to sluts, for long anyway. Sluts are what men use in order to satisfy their lowest sexual needs (the best of men don’t have to settle for a slut in order to do this). A slut is only a step above a blow-up doll. After the man is done, he can’t wait to get away from a slutty woman, because… He probably feels dirty. With a sexy woman however, he is in no hurry, he wants to cuddle, talk, have a laugh, and most importantly: Know when he will be able to see her again. He feels respected and loved, and why wouldn’t he want more of the same? A sexy woman knows most men are wonderful creatures, while a slut expects the worst of them while still, somehow, wishing for a miracle. When her deepest desires are left unfulfilled yet again, she gets more and more angry at all men.
And here’s the kicker: if a woman thinks men have no respect for women and are complete bastards after one thing only, it’s probably because she has confused these two. I don’t think that there is nothing wrong in acting slutty, but it simply doesn’t work for anyone. It has never ever worked in anyone’s favour. The underlying reason for anyone acting slutty is the need to be loved, but unfortunately lack and need of anything works as a repellent to these things.
After thought:
It is known, that victims of sexual abuse can grow up to behave like “spoiled goods” that they feel inside that they are. If you know someone who behaves this way, take them aside ever so gently and ask them if this is their experience and if you can help them sort it out. There might be a good but dark reason for this behaviour, although some women are just plain confused about it.
Sebby,
This is well analyzed. A sexy woman is a sexy woman. Though I tend to differ on one thing: a sexy woman need not necessarily be tempting ‘him’ to ‘her’; rather, most men get tempted at sexy women. I would quite agree that “Sexiness is about sensuality, poise, respect..”. It is an envious possession of some women that they are naturally sexy. Sluttiness can be loathsome for most men except for the most lowly & mean of men. Shall I say it is manifestation of perversion? I was prompted instantaneously to write this comment & will wait to see how much of it is agreeable.
Also got to click on the link to Sebastynisms and appreciate most of them : )
I think we both mean the same thing about the temptation. The main thing about it is that the woman is seemingly passive, yet sending inviting signals to the man she desires, sometimes several (general “catch me if you can” sort of challenge), if she so chooses. She rarely has to do more than change a position, smile and look at the man, when she has already done enough. A slutty woman has to… And I’ve seen this so many times at night clubs it just sickens me. (Some of my readers might not know that I never drink, and therefore I have an optimum position for observation when people start to loosen up due to alcohol.) I have literally seen women throw themselves at men, sit on their laps, rubbing themselves against the man, often only to be pushed away.
And mind you (everyone), there are “male sluts” as well, the ones who have no standards, who will… To put it crudely “fuck anyone with a heart beat”. They also act out of desperation, with similar results to their female counterparts.
You only now found Sebastynisms? I really haven’t done a good job linking to them!
I like your distinction between the two terms, but I make a further distinction between sexy, pretty/attractive, and beautiful. Sexy for me just means engaging on an exclusively physical level, while pretty/attractive engages emotions as well. Beautiful refers to someone whose very appearance actually moves one emotionally.
I haven’t seen the Sebastynisms yet, but I’m looking forward to reading through them and other parts of this blog!
Really? “Pretty” engages emotions for you?
To me “pretty” means someone who is well, pretty, but essentially boring, in other words, the opposite of what you are saying! How interesting! Attractive, I get in that sense, because attraction needs to have some “unseen” qualities as well. “Beautiful” I completely agree, there needs to be beauty from the inside as well as outside. Sexy is more playful than beautiful, but can be in the same person.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting – hope to see more! (The link to Sebastynisms can be found on the nav bar on top… My personal favorite page of the blog.
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And here I am, thinking that what you’re describing is more of a difference of whether or not one is in control of one’s sexuality. What you describe as “slutty” sounds like giving up control of sexuality in exchange for promises of love. This, I think, is much like giving up control of sexuality out of fear of social disdain.
Personally, I think that maintaining control of decisions such as having one or one hundred partners, who they are, what you do with them, and why, is what sluttiness is- or, at least, should be- all about. Not about sacrificing the quality of intimacy for the quantity.
Unfortunately, many modern societies grossly oversimplify the issue to its most superficial form; a numbers issue. Some societies are (frighteningly) worse than others at that, and the fact that there are places in the world where women like you can openly discuss topics like this is one that is taken for granted far too often.
With these semantics in mind, I don’t think “slutty” and “sexy” are synonymous any more than I think that “endowed” and “sexy” are synonymous, but I do think that this sort of “slutty” is definitely a sexy quality.