Expectations on men
Have you ever thought about the undue pressure that men are under to be Good Men? If you’re a girl, you probably haven’t. If you’re a guy, you probably have ignored it. That’s usually the way it works. To me it’s kind of funny – if it wasn’t so angering – how very average women make these wildly unrealistic expectations on what their men should be like and act like, expecting them to be masculine all the while as the women doing their best to emotionally castrate them. How can you be masculine when you’re constantly being told what to do and how to do it right? This is not only in a nagging -wife mode either. It comes through on TV, in banal Facebook status updates and in normal conversations with people. What men must do in order to be ‘enough’. What he can’t do if he doesn’t want to be seen to be an asshole, and how any man who doesn’t do what they are not allowed to do is probably a liar and a cheat.
We all “know” that men have to learn what each woman likes in bed. They have to be loving and caring to make us love them and at the same time be masculine and scary to turn us on. They have to open doors, pay the bill and carry bags for us. They have to earn a good living and be home by dinner. They have to defend our honour whether we expect it of them or not. They have to dress neatly (or not) and have that rough look about them. He has to love kids and animals. They have to be able to make you laugh, they have to be tall and handsome and wear the right stuff but not be too gay about it. They have to be flirty and fun and attractive, but not so attractive that they would attract competition from women who are out of ‘my’ league. They have to know the right bra size and the perfect gift to buy or they can be seen as a chauvinist for turning up with a wrong size (either way is worse!) or… Well everyone knows kitchen appliances are not cool but hey… A woman never stopped to think the thought behind the kitchen appliance: “I know you cook a lot, and I want to make it easier for you, I don’t want you to have to slave away in the kitchen when we could be together. Maybe this will make things easier for you.” Of course he also has to find time for the gym and parenting classes and his own hobbies – nobody wants a pussy for a husband – but they’d better choose the right hobbies and not spend too much time on them! Men simply do not have enough hours in the day to achieve all of it. Some of these expectations are made by women, some by culture, and some are put there by men themselves, but it is us girls, as a collective, who enforce these rules.
What do we think we have to do in return in our own opinion? * Can you hear the crickets? *. We don’t have to do jack shit. We think we need to be reasonably thin and curvaceous (not perfect) and that is pretty much enough for the average bloke. We THINK all men want is our bodies, but that’s not true. What ever expectations women feel pressure for comes primarily from us, because your average guy considers her good looks an added bonus, not a #1 requirement. In addition, we can talk to them in what ever manner we please, especially if we do have the looks, and they take it as a cute thing we do. We can bitch all we want and they will smile to us understandingly. We can ley in bed while they do all the work, and they will be grateful for us allowing them to do what they do. Do take a moment to think about something that we all (as much as possible) feel we absolutely have to do for a guy we love. Give him babies perhaps? (Whether he wants them or not. 
) Ah, I think we all agree not to cheat on our guys… What ever we used to think we have to do for our men is long gone: Cook him dinner, do the washing, cleaning, ironing, bring his slippers and paper, listen to him talk about his day at work, dress nicely to please him and put on make up before he comes home… We definitely don’t all agree on the baby-issue either… One would think that “treat him with respect” would be kind of an expectation, but nope… That cannot be added to that list, either. To the life of me, I can’t think of anything we have to do for them these days. Can you?
Traditionally, men make the romantic/sexual initiative but women choose. That is again something that the men have to put themselves on the line for. They have to come to us, reveal their expectations and hopes concerning us, often only to be shot down. If we are kind to them, we give them the green light, and invite them to us by a big smile. Some of us are too shy to do that though. Imagine what the men must be going through. They see you, your confidence, your friends, your looks and your judgement. But he still decides to approach you, to give you the freedom to turn him down. These days some girls call themselves bitches announcing that they are proud of it too. I understand, I used to be one of them. I was sick of men approaching me all the time. I thought they should keep to their own league and/or wait for my sign. Use a bit of judgement. But, now I kind of understand that they go through rejection so many times that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if they get one more, as long as there is a chance* And at the end of the night, they forgive us, simply because we are women.
I am not saying that our demands are completely unreasonable. Most of them are reasonable, especially if we prioritise and cross some things off the list, but I do think men could demand a lot more of us to be honest. What I am talking about is that certain set of unwritten rules that are not really our individual demands but collective, what we have all accepted as being something a man has to be. These demands have been instilled upon the men before we had anything to do with them, and we can sometimes be quite cruel to those who don’t meet the expectations. (“What do you mean you didn’t know you can’t wear those shoes here?”) We don’t really need to say that to them, we just disregard that guy and move on to the next. But the men will know there was a reason for it, whether they know what the reason was, is a different thing, leaving them second-guessing it all. We tell them we would rather just be friends, and we both know why – he didn’t meet our demands.
Don’t get me wrong. I am one of the most demanding women out there. I want my man to be this and that and a little bit of the other, my list of demands is a long one, but not a petty one. What I am saying is that we have to learn to respect men the way they respect us, because men are sensitive. They hurt when we say cruel things to them. They want our love just as bad as we want theirs. They too feel abandoned when we don’t call them back. I believe there are so many men with a commitment phobia for the mere reason that we have so much power over them. This is not a man’s world! We are, in essence, in control of every aspect of a man’s life from the time he turns 13. They have one escape, work. That is where women have to perform. Is it a wonder it is dominated by men? They deserve it if you ask me. Elsewhere, we can dictate these impossible expectations and fluffy pink pillows on them, and they will do everything in their power to comply. If they can’t they can pull out of the equation and become a player. I fully understand that. If I was in their shoes, I wouldn’t want anything to do with most of the women I’ve met either.
Men are amazingly forgiving creatures, so forgiving, that they don’t even realise how much they put up with. I was watching a TV show the other day. It was a show called “Taken Out” in which there’s one person standing in front of a group of people of the opposite sex, revealing bits of information about himself or herself. After each detail this person reveals of themselves, the members of the opposite sex turn their lights off when they decide they are no longer interested to go on a date with them. The men never insulted the women when they decided to turn their lights off. Their reasons were very very valid and kindly expressed. On contrast, the women were really cold, clearly enjoying the permission to actually say what they thought. (“I’m sorry, I just don’t like your hair.” *Snicker snicker.*) One of the women who had to take criticism after lights were turn off on her, insulted each man after their verdict. But what surprised me was that no man turned their lights off on her even though she was such a sore loser, nor did they talk back to her like she did to the men. I would have, in an instant turned my lights off, and told her exactly why I thought she was a cold arrogant bitch… But then again, I’m just a girl. I don’t have the heart and forgiveness the men have. In the end, the bitch had the audacity to say that she didn’t care about the men who pulled out as she was “just getting rid of the idiots” and that it was their loss, not hers! Let me tell you this. Even if she had been Miss Universe, all the men in the group were too good for that kind of treatment. I feel sorry for the bloke who had to take her out in the end.
And there is another difference. When we get rejected, we’re quick to announce that it is their loss, but you know what? Often it isn’t. We are NOT THAT AWESOME, half of the time. If he doesn’t like you, he probably has a fairly good reason to, because I can tell you with 99% certainty, that HE won’t turn you down just because you didn’t wear the right dress that night. Women tend to judge a book by its cover with zero understanding of the PERSON inside. They tend to see men as MEN (alien species?) instead of people, and regrettably often this view doesn’t improve with maturity.
WOMEN, before you start crying:
The first responses I got to this article (elsewhere) was by women who stated they don’t do this, and by golly, they have never met women like this. I have to wonder under what rock they’ve lived, are they blind, naive or unbelievably lucky not knowing what I am talking about. Clearly there are some cool women out there, but just because you think you’re the coolest bitch alive, doesn’t mean this isn’t true. Save yourself the embarrassment and think about this for a moment before you publicly disagree.
love is the only thing that a man needs, and any girl can take his life on the price of that.
amits last blog post..stay near to happiness
great post..girls can flat any guys with her smile…woman’s have that magnetic power where guys are like iron pieces..
I think wehave expectations on women. We want them to take care of themselves so they don’t rely on us emotionally. They should make money but not more than we do. They should be capable of forking over half for everything if they qualify to go to the next level. She needs to drive a car, have a job and show that she doesn’t spend all the cash on shoes. She needs to be emotionally and mentally stable enough not to lose it because I want to watch a football game or drink a beer. I think women put up with alot from us, especially when I can admit I’m lazy and don’t know what good she would be putting up with me when I don’t want to think about anything. I want her to have her act together. We have expectations – you just convince yourself we don’t.
Women don’t even know what love is, let alone enough brains to figure us out. there’s enough women at work where you make life miserable for us. we don’t get taken by a stupid smile or how you want to play just like we do. girls think just becuase they smile all kind of doors open for them. why would our lives revolve around you? there’s more women on the planet than we have a need for. i’m not impressed by your species. for every 6 million maybe there is one good one but you’re all predictable and boring. she has to be keenly intelligent. possess magnificent sense of wit and really playful. and understand the game of life. I don’t want an ass kisser for a wife trying to use any crap you’re saying on me. we’re fighters and we can be very bad. women need to learn how to take care of themselves so they don’t get hurt. i like to test her and see if she’s really worthy. she has to be loyal quality like my rottweiler, or she’s dog meat.
@Bruce, please do not insult my readers in the future, should you be compelled to return. (I edited the insulting part out of your message.) I do think your views are clouded by misogynist thinking, which might be the reason why you disagree so strongly. After all, I was taking the guys side here for once.
hi Sebastyn
you have described my marriage!!!!!!
The good news is I now know it’s not her, or her Asian culture, it’s just women
The bad news is that this situation is not going to change
That is what I have believed to be true a long time; that men don’t want a woman that nag and control and so forth, yet I have watched my male friends couple up and start families with these exact women. (Thank god the guy with the worst bitch ever is now getting a divorce.) Its quite similar… They say good guys always finish last, the same seems to be true with women as well. I know a lot of gentle, loving, beautiful women with no man in their lives, because the ones they find are abusers… Dark and light, indeed you are right, Justice.
Great article. You explore some of the core dynamics between men and women. An important point to understand is that this dynamic, this tension, has both a DARK side… and a LIGHT side. It’s true, us guys WANT to serve women… but if we’re really coming from our wisest, most empowered selves, we want to serve women that INSPIRE us. Not women that nag, control, manipulate, ignore and so on.
Justice Marshalls last blog post..She’s angry and never wrong. I’m the doormat. What should I do?
Omg i almost cried when i read this =(. As a guy i really feel all this pressure to be the best, and the bad thing is that we need to compete against fantasy characters like this Edward of Twilight
Fantasy characters, movie stars, rock stars, you name it… Men might hang posters of big breasted women on their work shop wall, but they rarely turn a woman down for not having big enough breasts. Men can usually tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and even find fantasy off putting in the real world. Women tend to have that line blurred somewhat. Take their toys for example. Women are worried they don’t look like Barbies, while I don’t know any man who would initially try to compete with the Action Man. However, the women might expect him to be like the Action Man, and force him to compete with, like you said, a fantasy character.
You don’t seem like the type that would take that for too long.. I don’t know, maybe it’s a model some men get at home? How was your mother? Respectful or constantly nagging? Maybe she taught you that women can be nice, too and trust a nice woman to be what she is? You know, often I’ve felt like some men went on with nasty women because that’s what they knew, and didn’t trust nice women because they thought that’s just a trick to get them into a relationship. What do you reckon?
My wife is not very demanding at all, but I have come across many women who are, even with complete strangers. I have wondered at this, and it makes me quite grateful that I ended up with the wonderful woman that I did. I don’t think I could take being constantly assessed, and being nagged and cajoled into some ideal that I could never in a million lifetimes be. Having said that, I am truly mystified as to why Cassy chose me and loves me the way she does, because there were many better men who would have happily replaced me as the man in her life (I know this because I have met some of them). I think they would have done a superior job of looking after her too!
So, yeah, I’m grateful that she has never placed unrealistic expectations on me, so while this is an issue that I’ve seen play itself out in the couples around me, it’s not one I’ve personally had to face.
Bruce is clearly angry. But the misogynist attack is a way to avoid discussing the core of his claim. He writes:
>Women don’t even know what love is, let alone enough brains to figure us out.
If this is misogynist, Florence Nightengale was also a misogynist. In a letter to a female friend who’d claimed that women were more caring than men, Nightengale wrote:
>”_Women have no sympathy_. [...] Women crave for being loved, not for loving. They scream out at you for sympathy all day long, they are incapable of giving any in return, for they cannot remember your affairs long enough to do so. … They cannot state a fact accurately to another, nor can that other attend to it accurately enough for it to become information.”
The sad truth is that Bruce and Nightengale are accurate in describing a _percentage_ of women. I think they’re both overgeneralizing. But women are people. And some people are so self-absorbed that they can’t, or don’t want to, give a damn about anything other than themselves.
You’re right, and I must say I don’t have much respect for that percentage of women, either, which is why I don’t want all women, myself included, grouped into that bunch.
Hey, great article. I believe that the real issue with relationships in general is this set of ‘expectations’ that are assumed, especially by women. The problem with having many of these expectations is that you never truly allow anyone to be who they are. The majority of expectations are illusions. They are programmed into women’s minds throughout time by society as to ‘what they think’ someone should be / act like. In this way, you get manipulation, conditional love, and a limitation on individual freewill / choice. Both parties are hindered in their individual growth as well. No one should ever want to change their partner into something that they’re not, what’s the point of being with that person? Also, I think this is the main reason relationships simply don’t work out well in today’s society; if you don’t follow the ‘made up’ rules then you’re going to hear about it; this leads to arguing and fighting over nothing; negative emotions arise, people resent each other and it becomes a constant battle every day; and in over 50% of marriages, the relationship implodes. The ONLY expectation necessary is that each person be who they truly are.
Completely agree – thank you so much for commenting!
Sebastyne,thank you.
Thank you for the thank you.
This article is seriously insightful. I am currently divorcing my wife of 9 years. Take what you wrote about entitled women and ratchet it up quite a bit. I could never ever make her happy. She remembered everything I ever did wrong and rubbed my face in it daily. All I wanted was for her to be kind.
To be fair to women, my wife has Narcissistic personality disorder. Too bad she can’t be fixed.
Once the dust settles, in time, I have high hopes to find a soulmate.
Thanks.
PS: I’m a male INFP
Oh yes, the NPD’s are whole other can of worms…
You know, don’t know why, but I have a feeling your soul mate (twin soul) is out there. I’m sure you’ll find her.
I read your artical, twice, and I do agree on the whole. Us men, also need to share in some of the blame for our situation though. We have not only allowed ourselves to be put in this place that we are in, we have encouraged it. Women have tried to become, what they think we find sexy. Yes, the slutty looking girl in the dirty magazine might look very sexy to a man, but, sexy to us, is just sexy. Its a very small thought. adorable, sweet, kind are a much more attractive quality. Men are very simple creatures by nature. Women call us dogs. I can’t think of a better term to discribe us. Yes, we do like sniffing around, but our loyalties are true. We learn from 3 basic principals. Food, Sex, and pain. We can be very lazy, but there are reasons for this. we, are tired, emotionally. Work is a very big escape for me. That is the one place I am able to exceed in the expectations that are put on us. I cannot compete with the romance novels, or the nightly sitcoms, that tells us what we are suppose to be as men. And now worst of all, Facebook! There, in this the world of Facebook, people can show only what they want others to see. Women tend to only see the romantic side that is shown to them. They are protected from the reality of who these people truly are. And I find that we are being held to these expectations of having to compete with the other men, entering our homes from a door that we can’t control if it stays open or not. I have found that it is getting much harder to trust. To me trust is one of the most important parts of what we find attractive
I know that among the countless selfish, childish, self-absorbed women out there, there are many, many women like you. I know that and yet, every time I stumble upon one like I did today, I am overcome by joy.
Sebastyne: you are a true breath of fresh air, and I wish there were more women like you walking this earth.
Until the day I meet one with at least half your intellectual honesty, I’ll be a very, very happy single man
I wouldn’t call men dogs, I’d call them magical beings with a big heart but hey. XD Other than that, I agree.
Thankyou