The Childfree are defensive for a reason
Justin, a parent, wrote about twitter hash tag #childfree a few days ago, with some pretty good observations about the childfree crowd. He posed some questions that I would like to answer on behalf of the whole childfree community. Hahah, say that and you’ll be sure someone disagrees strongly. 
(I don’t mean that seriously.)
His first question is a bit of a funny one, really, he asks: “Firstly: why does this defensive subculture even exist?”
It never even occurred to me someone might consider it a subculture, but maybe it is. If being a parent is a subculture, that is. And I suppose it is. Why does the subculture of parenting exist? Because people have kids. Why does the sub culture of childfree exist? Because some of us choose not to have kids. Fairly simple, I thought. (This goes with the term “childfree movement” that I also find funny.)
The reason why I became interested in using the term “childfree” is because I felt I was drowning in mothers online. Every blog written by women my age seemed to be about children, children’s activities and endless playdates and other mother-specific issues. I simply had nothing to talk to them about, I don’t even have extended young family members that I could talk about. So I started looking for a way to find people who didn’t have children, and soon enough found the term “childfree” and I haven’t had trouble with blogs written by people whose avatar picture is of a person under 5 years of age and who go by the name “MomOf2″ since.
Second: why are they appropriating semantically incorrect terminology?
Now that is a better question. Personally I’ve never liked the term childfree much, although I’ve now started using it over my preferred term “childless by choice” which I like for the simple reason it’s semantically correct, never mind the undercurrent of “less” “without, void, lacking”. I write a whole chapter about this in my book about being childless by choice. The reason why I use it, personally, is because it’s short and it explains my stance on having children in one word and it is the largely accepted term amongst people who share my position. (They’ll find the blog/book easier.)
As far as the #childfree hash tag on Twitter goes, I missed that fight completely, which I’m quite happy about actually. There was a time when I had email notifications for Twitter coming in every time someone mentioned “childfree” or “childless by choice”. I admit it annoyed me when people used the term childfree in vain, to indicate that they got 2 hours away from the kids… But it’s seriously not a massive issue, is it? (Why are parents allowed to use semantically incorrect terminology?) The thing is that “childfree” is the best we’ve got. Other terms include “childfree by choice” which to me sounds like you’re actually infertile but you decided, by choice, to embrace that condition, and childless by choice has the trouble that it doesn’t indicate permanence of the choice, as it could be used in “I’m childless by choice for now” meaning I will probably have children once the time is right. The bonus of that one is that it’s less aggressive. It is the aggression that caused me to stop the notifications, I found myself to be constantly annoyed and felt I had to stop focusing on childfree stuff.
I agree completely on Justin’s point of how childfree people can come off as being insecure and defensive about their life style choice… HOWEVER. The society does tend to push people, women especially, into having children. I think gay people know this same feeling quite well, being told that something you know you want and need is somehow wrong or unnatural, and worse yet – other people feel like they know what you TRULY want better than you do. Don’t you think you’d get defensive if the society at large would repeatedly tell you they know something about your true wants and motives that you knew were not the slightest bit true? Let’s assume suddenly someone (an influential psychologist for example) decided all men had an instinctive need to have sex with their own child, and therefore all touch and tenderness would be interpreted as interlude to incest… Don’t you think you would get slightly defensive about wanting to hug your daughter? This is what childfree people face quite often in reverse. Getting sterilised for example… Not easy for a woman who hasn’t had a child yet. Why? Because apparently we don’t know our minds as well as other people do. Can you imagine how angering it is at the age of 30 to be still treated like a teenager that will one day “grow out of it”?
Also, when you interact with other childfree people, these experiences tend to “ten fold”. Not by actual instances of it, but by reading others’ experiences over and over. The same thing repeats often, not necessarily in your own life, but in other’s lives. It’s easy to get upset on behalf of others. It doesn’t help when completely rational parenting types don’t BELIEVE this happens. Why would they believe? They’re rational, nor they ever have to face the questions and comments that the irrational ones would make to the childfree about why they are not having children. (If you don’t believe, try reading through the comments section of any openly childfree article on a popular website. Mine won’t count, it’s fairly silent as far as comments go.)
The selfishness of having children comes from the repeated slur against the childfree, that it is a selfish choice. I agree it is, but not any more so than wanting a child is. (Give me one unselfish reason for having a child. Even in the best case it’s all about the parent’s need to nurture and offer a loving home to a child that doesn’t exist yet nor have to exist.) On a grand scale though, I do maintain that having more than 3 children IS selfish in a way that is harmful to others, or at least inconsiderate. Why? Overpopulation. I doubt that parents with more than 3 children would go into it thinking “fuck mother Earth, I want one more child and Earth can choke on their litter”, but I am saying they are not considering it from the point of view of the Earth. If they did, no parent of 2+ children would ever dare call themselves “green”, not in western cultures, even though the impact of big families are directly observable in third world countries, it is the children of western cultures that actually harm the planet most. The green aspect is rarely the primary motivation of any childfree person, but it is a nice bonus to know that our choice, despite of its inherent selfishness is not indirectly harming anyone else the way having children is.
Now… There are different types of people who are childless by choice. Some are obnoxious. They are the ones that openly hate children, who wish ill for parents and children alike and who would jump to the chance to attack a parent, ANY parent. I personally don’t want anything to do with those people. Unfortunately, they tend to be quite loud. There are childfree online communities that have been taken over by these people when the moderators don’t cut that crap into the bud, because the sensible ones simply don’t find the tone of discussion interesting or even slightly entertaining. (Although I do love the joke: “Oh I love children, but I couldn’t eat a whole one!”)
Thanks for this – it’s nice to have an intelligent response from someone who actually wants to share some insights. I just wanted to mention the only reason I used the term subculture is because it turned up in one of the original tweets: https://twitter.com/#!/Gogiknitter/status/143582817274707968
Yeah well I suppose it is a subculture… I think I managed to explain why it exists, which was more to the point. :p Thanks for the thanks Justin.
I am not angry or bitter but perhaps overwhelmed online and in real life with what seems like a flooding of mothers (fathers…too..). The hashtag #childfree isn’t the worst thing out there, I don’t know why anyone would pick a fight over it. What about the #ghettosantaclaus one…worth arguing discrimination over.
Social media is broadcasting the message HEY! IT’S A CHOICE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE KIDS!
And the parents get antsy. Why? They already have kids..it’s already done.
Why would our decision to forego parenthood annoy them?
However, I would like to say….(I’m guilty too) Childfree blogs could be more celebratory of childfree life….more personal posting pictures of the great, amazing fun things they do with all the free time and money and friends they have in their life…instead of defending their decision and bashing parents. We should be all positivity, not negativity.
(But I still wanna retain the right to use the word breeder
The only reason I can think of why parents would get annoyed by the fact some decide to not have children is the “fact” that misery loves company. You know how some mothers yell at their kids along the lines of “I can’t wait for you to have your own kids so you’ll know what it’s like!!” I think some of the annoyance comes from the realization they no longer have the choice. It is done… And although I do believe them when they say they wouldn’t change it for the world, I also believe that if some of them could go back in time, they would not go down that road. Not out of regret or wish that they hadn’t had children, but out of deeper understanding what that choice entails exactly.
You are right about the positives, but then again… It’s hard to post pictures or positives of the positives… For me, one of the biggest positives is to have time to just… Be. Nobody demanding attention of any kind. To me that’s a heaven on earth, but seriously doesn’t make a good blog post!
I love this article! Thanks for this! I just started my own blog (definitely not sure what I’m doing yet) about me chosing to be “childfree.” I feel exactly like you do on many points and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there!!
I just read your blog, and I’ll be linking to it – great start! And no, you’re not the only one. There’s surprising number of us, really, and we’re starting to get a bit more vocal about it, too, which is nothing but a good thing.
I love this. And, despite the roundabout way I ended up here, I’m thrilled to find other people who feel the same way I do about having kids. I guess from a womens’ perspective it’s worse, but even as a guy you’re barraged with society’s point of view that you’re nothing if you don’t procreate.
Defensive? You betcha. When you’re beaten over the head with something over and over you tend to be defensive, don’t you?
Thanks Mikey, and yes, guys get this too, and that combined with the stereotype that guys want nothing of women but sex… It can, I would imagine, get quite nasty at times.
Like Rachel, I’m new to the childfree (well…undecided) blogging scene. And I’ve been spending a lot of time lately in the childfree forums and blogs, and could not agree more that they should be more a celebration of the lifestyle, rather than a defense of it. The funny thing is that a lot of childfree writers are annoyed by parents being so defensive about their choices, but then they turn around and do the same thing. It’s a little “the lady doth protest too much” if you ask me!
PS, I LOVE your blog – and the design is beautiful!
I guess it’s fairly easy to be defensive about our life choices who ever we are. It takes quite a strong character to not be threatened by other’s choices when they are different to ours. Stay at home mums and working mums are at odds with each other for their choices and mums and childfree are battling of who’s choice makes more sense than the other’s. There’s a lot of pots and kettles in this. :p
Thank you for your compliments too.
I’ll be sure to visit your blog too.
Thanks for the sharing, keep it up. The funny thing is that a lot of childfree writers are annoyed by parents being so defensive about their choices, but then they turn around and do the same thing. It’s a little “the lady doth protest too much” if you ask me. remember it.
As soon as someone claims that those who are childfree as being defensive I immediately want to turn around and ask THEM what THEY are being so defensive about. For the most part, I don’t really care that other people choose to have kids. However, many of those child burdened people seem to care quite a bit about my choice NOT to have kids.
Usually the first thing that happens is I’m subjected to a barrage of personal questions about my choice. Trying to be evasive on the answers seems to infuriate them. How dare I not allow them to pry! Of course, if the roles were reversed and I started asking a series of probing questions about their fertility, motivations in having kids, and parenting choices, they’d quickly find me more than rude.
Most of the people claiming were defensive seem to be rude busybodies who take offense when we don’t immediately satisfy their need to pry.
Hmm… maybe that’s the trick to bring out the oddness in parents.
I always tell them point blank why not. With a big smile. Rarely get issues. But you’re right that it’s funny when you ask the reversed question, “why did you have children?” Way to baffle any parent – yes, I’ve done that too… And the replies are often quite… Well, you try it.
This blog is like a breath of fresh air. I don’t have a problem with parents. I just have a problem with righteous condescension I receive when I state that I have no children.
I have chosen to be childless. Quite frankly, some of very people who look down on my decision should have chosen to be childless too.
To be entirely honest, I think unhappy people love others in the same boat. People enjoy putting down others that make different decisions than they made, and judge them accordingly.
It’s not good, but it happens.
Great post!
Misery loves company -theory. Yes… I’m sure some of it is about that, but I hope not all. Thanks for the comment!
Thanks for sharing you perspective on some common themes that I’ve seen when it comes to discussing parents who are child free.
As a parent I will never ever understand why anyone would push someone to have children. Parenting is a pain in the ass and no one should ever feel like they have to do it. Therefore I do believe it is a misery loves company, or perhaps a way to make themselves feel better. Maybe they feel if they talk about how wonderful parenting is the better they will feel about being a parent.
I believe that the idea that parenting is the most important and wonderful job in the world (which it is for some people I’m sure) gives it purpose. However, this is a cultural thing, not human nature. It wasn’t that long ago when children were considered a nuisance and an unavoidable thing that just happened to you. You had to survive children, rather than relish them, now everything is reversed, and people must be guilt-ladden if they don’t feel overjoyed for being parents.
I just would like to interject with the idea that childfree couples are certainly NOT the only ones subject to constant questioning. Consider “we’re you trying?” “how many do you want?” “don’t you want a boy/girl?” “don’t you think it’s too soon?” “don’t you know the problem of leaving a big age gap?”. Ignorant people are ignorant people. To the person who reserves the right to use the term ‘breeders’, this is extremely derogatory (and I think you know this). There are a number of derivative terms used for the childfree, but I would never use them as (at the fear of repeating mysel) stupid people are stupid people, with or without children.
I could not care less whether people have children or not. I do, and I enjoy my life (I’m guessing) just as much as people without children. I am a great parent, with strong morals , but this does not define me, anymore than it does a childfree person. I’m sorry if childfree people are questioned constantly, this is not acceptable, but the best way to address this is with dignity and pride. Educate them, because they are obviously misunderstanding the concept of appropriate social interaction.
PS. My children are adopted, imagine the intimately private questions I get asked.
First of all, I would like to say that I have nothing but respect for adoptive parents, whether or not the adoption was a second or first choice. The fact that you have big enough heart to open it to children that are not biologically yours is admirable – and at the same time I don’t understand why biology is given such a big role in parenting. I have listened to childless couples reacting with horror to the suggestion that adoption is an option, like it was an insult of some sort… I don’t understand that, really I don’t and I’ve tried.
Secondly, childfree couples get asked those same questions… Are you trying, how many do you want, do you want a boy or a girl, and the questions don’t stop at “but we don’t want any of any kind!” (Buy a new car or a house and they get a new reason to jump to conclusions “oh you’ve changed your mind!” because obviously nobody would buy a new car for any other reason other than fitting a safety seat in it.) Saying you don’t want one seems to be some sort of an insult again, and then the insistence continues with “but you would have so much to give!” which again is a bit of an odd one, because well… Are the only people worth giving to your own biological children?
You’re right, stupid people are stupid people, it doesn’t mean we won’t get annoyed by them… I at least that’s not what happens in my head. :p
[...] a question worth asking is why we can feel defensive in this situation. There are lots of reasons people get defensive, but in this case there can be a [...]
I don’t care if someone is childfree or not. You don’t want kids, fine. But I do wish they would shut their ignorant fat mouths and quit telling me I should have adopted a child, instead of having one. My husband and I will construct our family however we see fit. Adoption was not a choice we made, and we offer no apologies for that, so get over it – NOW. If your lives are so incredibly fulfilling, then you wouldn’t waste time making your nasty comments and telling people their children should never have been born.
I agree. That is inappropriate even though I do not PERSONALLY understand the difference between an adopted child and a biological one, but adopting being the primary choice is something of an ideal world, and this is not an ideal world we live in.